Mo Bitar

@mo

Notes to self. Working on Standard Notes, a simple and private notes app.

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If doing something wags your tail, keep doing it

To whom it may concern,

I’ve always wanted to start a letter like that. During the 90s, my dad owned a fast-food restaurant in what was then not-River North. I remember he would receive letters addressed like that. Thus began my mild infatuation with TWIMC.

Last night I attempted to continue reading Biocentrism, a book I’ve been spending some time with every night. I only ever read when I get into bed, for as long as I can keep my eyes open. Sometimes I’ll last twenty minutes. Other times, just a few. But yesterday, as I read a few sentences, I felt a strange resistance.

It had happened again: I grew bored. I could not separate myself any further from it. All of these last two weeks I had spent lost in the world of quantum mechanics and the conditions of our probabilistic existence. And just like that, I was totally over it. Reading the words off those pages felt like reading through bricks. I knew it was only a matter of time. You didn’t think I’d be into this stuff forever, did you? Na. Two weeks tops. That applies as much to quantum mechanics as it does to ping-pong (that one lasted three weeks).

I find myself now searching for something new to get lost in. It is so impossibly difficult for me to start a new book. I’m never impressed enough by book descriptions. I have the same problem with TV shows and video games. I just don’t know if it’ll be worth my time. I ended up going with The Storm Before the Storm: The Beginning of the End of the Roman Republic, a book suggested by Ryan Holiday in his email list about the last few stands of the Roman Empire.

I’ve had phases where I’m particularly interested in history. But today’s times are too strange to have an interest in politics. 2016 ruined politics for me (and The West Wing). It burst my bubble of the idea of a progressive world, and morphed it instead into a world where no one has any idea of what's going on. Is 2016-2017 bad for modern politics? It seems like it. But is it bad for politics of the year 2050? It’s impossible to say. History has shown time and time again good can come from bad. Pity that we have to pay the price. Blood is delicious nutrition for our ever-carnivorous Mother Nature.

I have little interesting to write about today, and I still need to learn to open up more. I’ve done a month long marathon of writing daily before, but I wouldn’t publish them, so it was easy to be myself and talk freely. The moment I know I am being observed, I spin. My preferred party size is 2, then 3, and a maximum of 4 people. More than that, and I forget how to act.

I’ve been fighting my social behavior for the last decade to try to be more present and outgoing. But this might be the first year where I’m sort of just accepting my behavior as-is. I don’t make a lot of new friends. But I do write a lot of code. And that’s what makes me happy. Should I fight it?

If there’s anything I’ve learned during my brief and petty bout with existence, it’s never fight what makes you happy. Life doesn’t always give you signs so clearly. But happiness from doing something? That’s a break from the universe’s reluctance to show any emotion. She’s wagging her tail for you. All you have to do is fetch.


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