Jay

@jaym

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The Pain of Staying The Same

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One thing I didn’t touch on when I wrote last was that a large motivating factor for me getting organized and building a space that’s conducive to both creativity and business is that I’m now at the point where I’m just miserable at my job.

Whether or not I have reason to be miserable, given my achievements, and my standing with the organization will be a debate for another day. But at this moment, I’m screaming inside to get out. I’ve put out feelers, and my career history combined with my skills are opening doors. I’ve gotten interest literally the moment I say I’m looking for a change.

The funny thing is, I’m not real excited about changing to another IT-related job. I find myself not as eager or excited to pursue IT opportunities. Sure, I say the words that “I’m looking to make a job change”, but I’m not telling everyone I know, and not advertising within my professional circles.

When I think about changing jobs, I feel like I’m trading one misery for another. After all the years I’ve spent in this industry, I know for a fact that for me, the grass won’t be greener. I’m tired, and in the sleepy sense. I’m beat down. Simply exhausted in doing all the things I need to do on a daily basis as a member of this career field.

I’m bordering on being so burned out in my job that I’m bordering on apathetic. It’s like I’m getting to the point where I’m thinking to myself that I’m going to do what I want for me, and not be overly concerns about how that would reflect on my annual review. If I can stay this side of employed and not get fired, that’s starting to become very appealing to me.

Of course, that’s not who I am, but it’s who I’m afraid I’ll become if I keep doing this too much longer. I don’t want to be so beat down and burned out that I simply stop giving a shit about the quality of my work. Or caring about the ramifications of subpar work on my part would have on my team members.

And naturally, the easy answer is, “find something else to do”. Thing is, switching careers usually means a big drop in pay, which isn’t something that would be fair for my family to have to go through because I’ve decided I can’t stomach another week, let alone another day in this profession.

So, as I’d been processing my feelings about work, my chosen career that I’m no longer in love with after 30 years of doing it, I come back to one thing. Succeed as a copywriter.

It’s the only thing I’m really excited about. The fact that I hate my job, and the only salvation might be the fact that I can become a freelance copywriter, which if I’m good at it, would give me some kind of shot at replacing (or exceeding) my current income, was enough to have me redecorate my office, optimize my computer, and streamline my processes for getting any kind of copywriting work done.

And most of all, it feels right. It feels like what could be, and I find myself wishing it will be. I’m not trying to idealize this only to have it become the same daily slog I’m facing now in the IT industry, but it just feels so good.

Haven’t felt this strongly about a direction in life in a very long time. Is that alone enough for me to succeed? Or, it is just a different path to the same destination: Misery?

Stay tuned and we both shall see.

Image credit // Pablo Guerrero, Unsplash


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