Jay's Journal


Always watching, always learning.

55,387 words

You'll only receive email when Jay's Journal publishes a new post

The Always In-Between

I know it's been a while since I last wrote. I'm in a much better place since the last time I wrote. This does happen from time to time, I'll slip into a mild depression and all the trappings that come with it (anger, guilt, frustration, etc.), then it's gone for a while.

However, since the last time I wrote, something positive did happen. I was able to land my first paying writing client. So far it's been everything I'd hoped it would be. I was able to get the client's vision of what the content should convey and how it should flow in just one revision. One. That totally blew me away.

There've been some changes, more like adds, rather than edits... and I enjoy doing this very much. I'd like to see if I can replicate this a few hundred more times so that I can achieve my dream of being a full time freelancer.

Now on to my topic of the day, it's about being in-between, but never being fully in, nor being fully out, either. This is based on a reflection that hit me the other day. Not sure what prompted it, but I came to the realization that I've always found myself being better than "x", but not quite good enough to be "y".

Then I took that thread and unraveled it all the way back to elementary school. Yeah, it goes back that far. So in elementary school, I was tested and it turned out I was a gifted student. What that meant was that the regular curriculum wasn't challenging me enough or holding my attention.

As a result, they put in me in a part time class that took place within my normal class day. So, three days a week, at a specific time, I'd have to leave my regular class, get on a bus, and go to another school, where other gifted kids went to this class. It wasn't quite the Xavier School, but it was a strange experience.

What I remember about it was that the class really didn't do much except let us read in small groups, do puzzles, color, or build stuff with blocks. I was in 3rd grade, so the detailed recollection is a little fuzzy. Then, after like two hours, we'd get back on the bus and go back to our respective schools, to then rejoin our regular class already in session.

This meant that any lessons missed during the time I was in the gifted class would need to be made up. And even back in the third grade, this whole thing made no sense to me. We weren't really doing anything in the gifted class except making us miss our regular class, to which we'd have to make up that work, which meant more work than the rest of the kids in my regular class.

So, I opted out. It was a badge of pride my parents could brag about, and it was something I could carry as an achievement of some sort, but for me, I just didn't want to do the extra work that came with that. Able to do more than an average student, not really down with the "Gifted" life.

Middle school was great, I just remember that being the best years of my life. Through and through, those were the years I experienced unconditional acceptance of my personality among my friends, true friendship, and just belonging. I was surrounded by friends, and always remember having fun things to do. I also remember alternating who's house we'd play at or spend the night at for a sleepover.

When high school came along, I played football. For all the years I'd played the sport, I was never considered good enough to be a starter. As much as I tried, I just wasn't able to unlock the key. So, good enough to play the sport, not really good enough to be a starting player.

On the academic side, I was never a star player there either (by choice), yet I was always being recommended for more "challenging" classes. I'd start in regular English class, and the teacher would pick up on something I said or did (I have no idea what) and recommend me for an advanced class. I was a "C" student, but not being challenged enough my teacher would say.

So on I went to Advanced English. To me, it was kinda like regular English class, and I didn't have to get on a bus to go to another school for this, either. And, after getting more Cs in Advanced English, that teacher somehow determined I wasn't being challenged enough and recommended me for Advanced Placement English. Why was this happening to me??

And, the grades I'd get in AP English? You guessed it... Cs across the board. In my AP English class, we had a writing project to do. It was to write an original short story (before I realized how much I love writing). And as a typical kid does, I procrastinated the hell out of the project. I had a great idea and premise for the story, but the teacher had one very scary caveat to the project:

One sentence fragment, anywhere in the story, would result in a zero for the project

I was like, "Oh, hell no"! So, I came up with an idea... I went up to the teacher and said, "Um, my story is going to be a fictional personal diary of someone who doesn't exist. If someone who's writing in my diary, am I really worried about my grammar?"

She had to keep from busting out laughing, as she was always very poised. Then she said, "Solely on the fact that you came up with such a creative angle for your story, grammar will not count for your submission." Ok, one obstacle down.

While the story was fictional, it was based on a time in history that was real. I did my research and interviewed people from that era so that I could write a journal as someone who was actually living in that era.

But, as I was a terminal procrastinator, I found myself hurriedly trying to finish the story during my weightlifting class just before English class. I slapped it together and turned it in. Honestly, I didn't feel proud of what I submitted, my only goal was to submit it on time. I really could have done more if I'd taken advantage of the time.

Turned out I got an A+ AND my teacher gave my story to the AP History teacher to read. What is she doing to me?? The AP History teacher found me on campus and came up to me to ask about my story. I answered her questions, and she then personally invited me to join her AP History class, and if I did, I'd be invited to be a guest speaker of the class when we got to that era I wrote about. She said that I obviously took time to really study and know the era very well.

As she was someone who was around during that period of time I wrote about, she was amazed at how accurately I was able to write about that era. So I said sure, and joined her class mid-semester. And do you know what grades I got in her class? I'm sure you know by now.

So, as I was in these advanced classes, I was good enough to not be in the regular classes, but not quite good enough (admittedly, by my own choices) to be part of the braniac crowd. You know, the ones that wore glasses, were mathletes, and always had their textbooks with them. Nope, I was a normal kid, who spoke normal English, and hung out with other kids who were the same... not wanting to be labeled or belong to any clique or particular trend of the day. We were neutral, and very level, we just hung out.

Then comes the military. On this one, I didn't really slack off per se. I wanted to be good at being a Soldier. It was my dream ever since I could talk. However, there were times I'd had opportunities to really go for the gusto, but instead, just did what I knew I did well. Doesn't mean I wasn't a risk taker, I did volunteer for combat duty when a real shooting war broke out during my time in the service, and I got my wish.

Which, if you've read some of my other posts, you'd know, I'm still paying the price for being young and romantic. Several of my superiors had wanted me to stay in, but being the always in-between, I got out. So, was above average as a Soldier, but not really good enough to be a lifer.

Then, when another war broke out a little over a decade later, I went back in and went to war again. Then, when my tour was over, against many of my superiors' urgings to the contrary, I got out again. This time it was for nothing more than to be a (living) father to my young children from a previous marriage and a husband to a woman I still love very much to this day. Yeah, she digs me too, so we're doing the whole growing old together thing.

So, now comes my storied IT career of around 30 years. Among my managers and leaders, I've always been a little better than many of my peers in all the ways that matter. Hard worker, gets along with everyone, doesn't give up, takes initiative, has leadership abilities... all the things that make a boss look good.

But, never quite good enough to be a true manager. During my second time in the Army, I was an NCO, and I took that responsibility very seriously and did all I could to bring honor to the rank and what it stood for. But, in the civilian world, I was always good enough to land the special projects, or lead teams for implementations... but not quite full time manager material.

And now that I'll be 50 later this year, it dawned on me that I've always been in the in-between guy. As I'm studying for my first AWS certification, I think I want to be the guy that's all in. Except, on my terms. I don't want management, that's for sure, and I don't even want to be a full time employee. My kids are grown and living in different parts of the country, so I can really spend quality time with my wife, or on improving myself.

So, when I say all in, I mean all in with taking the courses, passing the tests, and above all, actually making a self employed career of my design. If for nothing else than to experience what it's like to not hold myself back by always being in-between.

Feeling That Frustration At Work Again, Time To Review My Stoic Teachings

It was bound to happen, right? I mean, you're putting along in your own space, not bothering anybody, and then something in the universe has to throw a pile of shit your way. I'm feeling that way with work right now.

I've made a very conscious attempt to not let things at work bother me, this way I can have less stress while embracing a Stoic philosophy. Now, in that conscious effort, I've been choking down a fair amount of shit. But, trying the let it roll off, making that effort to not let things bother me.

Work at 9pm at night because our Asia offices can't meet any sooner? No problem, hey, life is good, and I love my job! Attend early morning meetings because our Europe offices can't meet any later? It's all good! I'm just going with the flow and not worrying about the little stuff. Work at midnight on a Friday or Saturday night? Oh, please, that's just a minor inconvenience to someone who values his free time more than money, no prob, Bob!

But with all that, it's just never enough, is it? Now I've got to do another department's work because they refuse to do it. Meaning that as I'm already up nights and early mornings working, giving up weekends, I now also need to do other people's work in a whole other department because they don't feel like it.

The universe wants more, people want it all, and they'll keep taking more and more. Taking and taking, until there's nothing left to give. Then what? Burnout. Hospitalization. Maybe even something worse? And what happens after that?

People will shrug and go about their day, taking and taking from the next sap. Rinse and repeat. Is that all there is? Really?

Because from where I'm sitting, everything continues to want more from me, and it doesn't seem to want to stop. And, the less I try to resist as a means to lower stress, the more I'm expected to give. Don't get me wrong, I know everyone should be able to say "no". But with "no" comes pushback, and more assertion to counter the "no", then arguing, and someone of higher rank saying "just do the thing", creating more animosity.

So, if people and the universe aren't busy sucking everything dry, there's conflict.

During my strides toward minimalism and Stoic mindsets, I've been trying to find balance. I thought it was achievable, and I'm sure it still is. Well, not totally sure, but hopeful, I guess. It just seems that there's no middle ground with life in general. It's all give give give, while they take, take, take, and the minute you dare say "enough already!", you're punished in some way.

I'm hoping this is just a setback, maybe even a minor relapse, so I'll continue to review the teachings of the Stoics and see how I might be able to pull out of this tailspin. I don't want to undo all the progress I've made. I really don't. I really enjoy the peace and contentment that comes with staying in my lane, and expecting others to stay in theirs. Why is that so hard, or too much to even ask?

In any case, perhaps this is yet another kick in the ass to make my way toward something different. I guess just being good with trying to lounge after work and on weekends to spend time with my lady isn't going to work anymore. Now I've got to study and do the work the effect that change. The universe and the never-satisfied hordes of people out there have seen to that. Thanks world, for harshing my mellow.

I sure hope there are others that can relate to this and that I'm truly not alone in feeling these things. Hopefully a better day tomorrow.

/end of rant

Failed: #100 Days

Well, I'm making it official. I'm declaring my 100 Day writing challenge a failure. In my last post I mentioned that I'd make 100 posts, but not in a row. Then, I didn't make any posts after that. Now, if I missed a day or two then posted, it would be one thing. But, in the way I approached this challenge, I didn't take it on as it was meant, and therefore missed out on the potential of growth from it.

So why continue the charade? It didn't work, and that's ok. Because in the time I haven't been writing, I've been doing many things that I can say have added to my fulfillment. I've spent more quality time with my wife, worked on technical projects, home improvement projects, and gave my day job a bit more focus. Overall that time spent just felt good, knowing I wasn't wasting away.

Sure, there were times when I did absolutely nothing except watch TV with the wife, or take in a movie or TV show on my own. But, having choices is probably the most powerful drug that I know of right now. It feels really good. Plus, I tend not to guilt myself (too much) when something slips. I'm human, but also my priorities and even goals can change from day to day.

Writing is definitely important to me, but it's not necessarily the only thing I've got going on. And while I could push myself to do more things in a day, I prefer to keep things at a pace that feels good for me. Maybe this is what "getting older" is all about. As I don't have the fire, or the energy, to accomplish amazing things anymore, I'm content with just accomplishing the things I put on my plate each day.

I guess 'content' is the best way to describe my life right now. I'm not angry with work, I take stock and give gratitude for all I have every day, I strive to treat people better, and I try to be reasonable in all my dealings. As a result, I have that continued inner peace that I've written about before.

There are times that I do worry I might take this "oh, well" attitude too far to the point I'm saying "oh, well" to even the important things, like work and other responsibilities. But at the moment, I don't think that's the case at all. I think I'm just weighing what's truly important for the moment or the day against what can wait and still not suffer. Will my writing suffer if I take some time off from it? I seriously doubt it.

Neither will many of the other things I'd put off because it just wasn't what I wanted to do that day, and wasn't important enough for me to make time for it. Doesn't mean I never got to them, I just got to them when I decided it was time, and not just because it popped up on my radar.

Perhaps some call that "procrastination", but I call it 'selective prioritization'. Some things need to be done right now, others need to be prioritized for later, and still others don't get anything at all because it's just not important enough to give up my time for it. I guess I'm turning into The Dude from Big Lebowski... he always asks, "What's in it for the Dude"? If there isn't much in it in terms of fulfillment that can't answer that question, then I don't abide.

In any case, I have missed writing, and I've missed connecting with you. But that just makes it all the more sweeter when I get back to doing the things I love again after a nice break; preventing resentment of the thing I otherwise love doing. I hope you are well.

#100Days, Day 30 and No Weekly Accountability For June 14th

Quick announcement: I'm dropping the weekly accountability as a regular feature. Mostly because I'm not moving forward with my goals at an agressive pace. So, each week, even though I'm doing things I enjoy and even don't enjoy for the sake of work, I just see goals every week that don't move forward. I thought that by writing down my goals, I'd be compelled to rush toward them because they're out in the open. Turns out, that's not really how I operate.
So, experiment tried and failed. On to the rest of today's post.

I have to admit, this week has really flown by. It's been the perfect combination of busy yet not stressful. I truly hope more weeks can be like this one. While not necessarily the flying by part, as that makes life seem really short, but the balance I've been able to enjoy.

Perhaps striving for even more simplification is also helping. I'm not completely done consolidating my emails just yet, but over half are consolidated into my new email service. What I've found is that I need to teach myself new habits when giving out my email address.

Not necessarily to other people, as my new address works just fine, but more for kiosks and automated services. I tend to want to give out a less secure email address that will automatically forward to my new email address. This way, if someone gets my email address through a nefarious means, and somehow break into that email box, they'll pretty much have an empty decoy.

But then that defeats the purpose of having a singular email box with which to manage and organize emails. I also have to remind myself that my new email box is private and secured. And, with the best technologies available, and a company that is committed to ensuring that remains the case.

The service I use also donates a portion of their proceeds to the Electronic Frontier Foundation, and to other online privacy causes. That's not a make or break, but it does tell me they're very serious about individual privacy and security.

So, sometimes I have to just let go of the handlebars and let the vehicle keep moving forward without me getting in the way of it. Which means that less complexity for email means less things to keep up with overall.

Kind of a digital minimalism if you will.

I'm also consolidating other services I use. From streaming TV to cloud storage to virtual assistants. For some reason I tend to have more than one of everything. Perhaps that's my military background kicking in where for any mission you always have a Plan B.

There's a case to be made for redundancy in things. Like production networks, mission critical systems, paid technology services so the customer never experiences an outage.

But not everything I use is mission critical. There can be outages in my world, and it's not the end of my world. Granted, could be inconvenient and have some true repercussions, maybe even financial. But at what cost for a "maybe"?

Sure, I might have used that redundancy once in a year, or once in every five years. But how much did I pay for that redundancy that didn't get used vs. how much I saved during that one time I needed it? I bet the former would be more expensive than the latter.

Plus, it frees up my mind from having to keep track of so many things. Again, like minimalism for material things, I'm also going for minimalism in all the things. Especially services.

If I can't find the reliability and stability I need from any one service that does that thing, then I need to find a new service that does. Period. Instead, I've been doing all the work determining which service is good at what, then having to decide every time which service I should use for this or that one thing.

Not a good use of my time at all. It's like having to decide what to wear every day. Minimalists, myself included, pare down their wardrobes to be a few things that get worn regularly, and things like t-shorts are all bought in the same color. This reduces "decision fatigue" and allows the person to spend more time on things that matter instea of what to wear.

As long as it's clean and in good repair, no one really notices what I wear anyway. So, I freed up a bunch of space in my closet, and time in my day by wearing pretty much the same things every week to work, and the same things every weekend for hanging out.

Not it's time to do the same with the multitude of services I use. Only ONE cloud storage. Only one streaming TV (goodbye DirecTV now), only one virtual assisting service.

What this all really boils down to is that I need to give up control and leave things for other people to solve. That's why I pay them, isn't it? I mean, if I have to solve for using more of one of the same service because I have an issue that isn't solved by one, but is solved by another, I need to do one of two things:

  1. Find a service that already solved it for me


  1. Find a service that's wanting to solve it for me, and let them do it

I wrote a blog post a while back about the value I see in outsourcing. I prefer to pay someone else to do the things I don't want to do. And in most cases, they do it better than I ever could, because that's what they do.

But in looking at what I've just written today, I've been selling myself short when it comes to outsourcing things. I've been trying to solve all the problems of the services' shortcomings, instead of doing one of the two things above.

Essentially, I've been working for free, and companies that don't fulfill my true needs are getting paid anyway. Wow, am I stupid!

Now that I've written this out, my next steps make even more sense than just when I was sharing what I'm doing in the broad strokes. Now that I've drilled down deeper, I found a path to free up both time and money.


#100Days, Day 29

Well, it's been another busy week, but all in all I don't mind. Mostly because it's been "busy enough" without being crazy or chaotic. So that makes me wonder, is it because it's really not, or because I'm coping better?

This week I've had sit downs with two people that know my story and my struggle. One thing I was able to share with both of them is this profound sense of contentment I'm feeling these days. I attribute it mostly to my adopting some of the Stoic principles, and it's been refreshing, calming, and even liberating.

I find that I'm not walking around pissed off at the world anymore, and I'm not anxious and easily aggravated. I've been feeling more patient, and even forgiving of things that would normally anger me, or even sometimes, send me into a rage. For what I've had to endure with PTSD, this is a profound achievement.

Along with these positive feelings, I've also been experiencing a lot more clarity. I think mostly because I'm not expending all my energy being furious, and using up my brain power to think of ways to make that person who cut me off in traffic pay dearly for doing so. It's actually very interesting how much mental capacity was consumed by my anger and frustration and wishing for some kind of justice for all transgressors, no matter how small.

I'm not saying that I've reached this total inner bliss through some kind of cult teachings, or that I'm fully reformed in some spiritual sense. But, what I am saying, and enjoying, is a solace in my mind and my heart that I've not experienced in so very long. Actually, I'm not able to truly remember the last time I could just relax and stop worrying or being mad at someone or something. I'm sleeping better, I'm engaging people better, it's pretty incredible.

Just to be clear, I do still get frustrated. Whether it's other drivers, or people I have to work with, there is a limit to my patience. But, the way I process it and express it seems to be much healthier, and less draining for me.

This is not to say I'm no longer flawed as a person. I very much am. And the fact that I'm learning these things so late in life, that perhaps I should have learned younger in life (if I wasn't being trained to kill my enemy by any means available), means that I'm never going to stop learning, either.

Hardly perfect, heavily flawed, and still learning. Yup, I guess that makes me a human being. Thank you, it's good to be here.

#100Days, Day 28

Ok, I'm back. Took a few days off as a mini-sabatical, mostly to take care of work and home projects, as well as consolidate my email accounts. I'd been wanting to consolidate for a very long time, but I found that over the years, I'd spread my emails across several different services. Some I'd paid for, others not so much.

I don't mind paying for email, but some of my earlier accounts were purchased based on their usefulness and not so much their privacy as well as security. So, having become a privacy and security geek of late, I found that it's time to get a handle on all my email and get the old ones archived securely, and new emails that will go to a new home, in a privacy-friendly country, with the ability to encrypt and decrypt at will.

During this time, I've moved everything off the not-so-private/secure servers, and placed them all in their new home. New emails are also coming into their new home as well. Now all I've got to do is sort and separate the old email and then archive them into some zero-knowledge storage that I control.

One thing I did discover during my quest to find the email service that provides the perfect balance of security, functionality, and is located outside an Internet hostile country like the U.S. and it's Five Eyes anti-privacy pals; is that in the U.S., any emails left on your account for more than six months is no longer protected under U.S. privacy laws. That means that your emails are no longer considered private records, and are instead a database record and not subject to the same protections as a private record.

SIX MONTHS! And, of course, what government or law enforcement agency is going to not look at emails that are newer than six months when rifling through someone's email account for emails older than six months?

Instead I chose a European country that is very privacy-friendly, and only responds to court orders from their national jurisdiction only. As well, in Europe, thanks to the GPDR, email never stops being protected under EU privacy laws. So yeah, when I found about the six month deal, I got all my emails off U.S. hosted servers immediately.

Sure, they're probably still there as some tech companies never delete anything, even if you do, they don't. And other companies have my emails in some backups somewhere. But, it's better than nothing, since I'm not the leader of an international crime ring, or even a neighborhood one for that matter, so the legal risk is pretty light for the moment.

I know this going in, but I had to start sometime, and that sometime was now.

And for the rest of my mini-sabatical, I set up an HD over-the-air tuner with personal DVR so I can match that up with a streaming TV service that's NOT DirecTV Now. I cut cable about a year ago, and now DirecTV went all customer-hating after AT&T acquired Time Warner, by hiking monthly prices to show how evil they truly can be.

Not sure why they'd start a really good service only to decide in a few years that they don't want anyone to actually use that service. Then raise prices to a ridiculous degree in the hopes those unhappy customers are steered to their piece of crap flagship product that requires an ugly-ass dish in my yard. No thanks. I went IPTV and over the air HD local TV and DVR. Buh-bye DirecTV Now.

So, I've been pretty busy, even if not active on here for a few days. But, I'm thinking, yeah, I'm back! (Anyone know where that line is from?)

#100Days, Day 27

I actually started this post yesterday, intending to also post it yesterday. However, I found myself staring at a blinking cursor throughout the day. I guess it could be that I had nothing to say or share. If anybody knows me, they'd know that to be a very rare occasion.

But, there I was, sitting and staring at a blinking cursor, with my mind blank. I was going to write down some of my frustrations about work. But after reading article after article about shitty bosses and toxic leadership styles, I figured there'd be no benefit except to rile me up and frustrate me even more.

It appears that shitty managers, and even shittier management styles are an infection that's firmly embedded in the American business landscape, and won't disappear anytime soon. And as such, I'll never be able to escape it. Therefore, I've got two options. Embrace the suck, or figure out a new way to make my money, i.e., freelancing.

Now, when it comes to freelancing, I'm not sure what's really stopping me. I mean, so much of what I do now, I could certainly do as a hired gun at just about any organization without having to actually be their employee.

I think I still suffer from impostor syndrome. Perhaps that's what's crippling me. Or, could it be a fear of success? Some might think, "what's the problem? You try, you succeed, DONE!"

But, I don't think it's that simple. Success means that you're only as good as your last thing; gig, client, engagement, work product, etc. So, there's a fair amount of stress to keep up the standard others would be used to seeing and receiving from me. Perhaps even getting spoiled with such, and expecting better and better as time goes on.

Otherwise, "the usual", no matter what high quality it may posses, is still the usual.

I don't want to always have to top myself. I remember being that guy who was all about that, but now I'm older and tired from having done that my whole life. Thing is, by doing that my whole life, I did it because I wanted approval from others.

My then wife, her parents (who never liked me no matter how good I did), my extended family... I wanted to be the "successful" one in my family. And, I wanted my ex-wife to stop bitching at me for not making enough money, to where I could slow down and take it easy for a bit.

But then, when I worked the long hours to try to get noticed so that I could receive the bonuses and promotions, my ex would then bitch about how I'm never home to help out with the kids and the household chores.

So then, I was really in a hurry to try to be "successful" so that I could stop the nagging in two very opposite sides of the spectrum. I also wanted to be the envy of the family. So shallow, I know. I was young, naive, and oh so stupid back then.

And then, a few things happened, or rather, didn't happen.

I never got the promotions, and maybe a bonus here or there, but not enough to be considered as taking my career to the next level. I was always good enough to be the worker bee, maybe with some responsibility sprinkled in here and there, but never good enough to actually be in management.

That would all change when I got my sergeant stripes in the Army and helped hold together a large platoon of combat engineers in a theater of war. But that's a story for another day.

So, in essence, I'm much older, wiser, and happier being married to someone who actually supports me instead of tears me down for not being "enough". I look back and see how much time I've wasted trying to get ahead in the socially traditional sense.

From that lens, hard work seems like a sucker's bet. Sure, employers will let you run yourself into the ground and not say a thing. In fact, they'll reward you just enough so that you keep doing it. Then, when you've given it everything, and you've got absolutely nothing left, boom, you're out.

Granted, I really didn't have a definition of "success" I could use as a measurement when I was working so hard. Well, actually, I did. I wanted to be an IT director or vice president of an established organization by the age of 30.

By that time I would have had 12 years of experience in my chosen field. This was also around Y2K, and tech careers were paying big. But, again, worker bee, not really looked at as being suited for management.

Perhaps these are the raw memories of my past that are keeping me from wanting to spend the second half of my life chasing after the same leprechaun, only to find there is no pot of gold to be had. At least not for me.

Coming back to a point of center, I do make a good living. I do have everything I could want, and I don't really want more. The thing is, as a male in a western society, my job is to provide. And that means that just like a shark, I can never stop swimming.

This is why I'm striving for minimalism, and hoping my wife catches on to it as well. I don't want so much stuff. I don't need so much stuff. And I don't want to want so much stuff. And I wish the same especially for my wife.

I love her and want her to be happy, but material things aren't the key to that. She was born and raised to be a consumer by her single mother, also a born and bred consumer. So, I don't blame my wife, I just wish there was a point where we could both say at the same time, "No thanks, we're good. We don't need any more stuff."

So, I think the real blocker to my success is the fact that being a success means a lot more work. Wanting to be a success means a lot more work. No matter which way I turn, if I want to be anything, it means more work.

Normally I'd go along with that. And normally I'd see that as the natural order of things, but it's really not for me anymore. I want to be content, I want to be free of schedules and obligations, and pursue my passions, however fleeting.

Some might call that death and say it's only possible in the afterlife, but I'd like it to be here in life. In any case, I think I just solved the riddle to why I might be scared of success.

#100Days, Day 26

Dammit, it happened again. I missed another day of posting. I knew I was putting off writing for "later" as I was involved in work and doing some research for my own intentions.

Next thing I know, my wife and I are heading to bed to rest up for a very busy Tuesday.

Someone who I admire very much suggested I write first thing in the morning, so that I'm not scrambling to get my thoughts down before bed. That is really, really good advice. Advice I should take, but yesterday I didn't.

So, I'm writing earlier in the day, as I'm thinking about it, instead of putting it off until "later". Another benefit to writing earlier is that I have all day to edit and polish my post. Or in my case, fix all the misspellings I never catch when I'm in a hurry to publish my post.

Which brings me to my next realization. On Sunday I'd procrastinated yet again in getting my post done earlier in the day. Then, at night, while in bed, I wrote like maybe two lines to say I wasn't going to be able to post much for Sunday, but that I'd get a more meaningful post out on Monday.

So, it turns out, though, that I posted more on Sunday (two sentences) than I did on Monday (no sentences). On one hand, I posted absolute crap on Sunday just to keep a commitment of doing this challenge "every day".

Then, last night, as I was getting ready for bed, I did think for a moment that I could do another quickie post, just to keep things moving. But I consciously said no to that because posting nothing was better than posting garbage.

Thus came along the question of quantity vs. quality. I'm still going to post for 100 days. And, as I've come to realize, it may not be 100 days in a row. But, instead, it needs to be 100 days of good posts. Posts with something to say or share or opine. Anything less is a waste of my time, and especially yours.

Posting "something" instead of a thought out post is akin to doing the "bare minimum" to get by, and I'm not about that. Well, at work I now am, but that was brought about by something else entirely. However, my normal state of being is not that of doing the bare minimum. And so my writing should not reflect that, either.

I'm going to finish the #100Day writing challenge. But, for me to do this properly for the way I want this challenge to help me grow and better reflect who I truly am, it may not be 100 in a row. And, frankly, that ship has sailed already. There's no way I'll make the 100 days in a row as I've already missed two days of posts.

Three, if you count the bogus posting on Sunday. So, to make up for that, I'm going to make 101 posts, because Sunday's really doesn't count in my book.

Again, I suppose this all in how one sees things. Is it better to keep pushing for 100 days straight, no matter what, even if the quality is sub-par? Or, would it be better to submit 100 posts of quality, even if not all in a row?

Methinks there could be arguments for and against either approach. I'd like to hear your take on this. More like a philosophical take rather than a "what should I do?" kind of take.

In any case, I feel better having posted something with a little meat and some depth. Instead of a mere placeholder that's empty and wastes a day that could otherwise be a much better post. Onward and upward.

#100Days, Day 25

Well, looks like I’m not going be able to write much tonight. I’ll write more tomorrow. Have a good night.

#100Days, Day 24

This is going to be real quick as it's been a pretty full day. Took my wife out to an early dinner at one of her favorite restaurants. While we were eating, we decided that we'd go to the grocery store for a "few things". After buying $300 worth of groceries, I think we've covered all the basics.

After we came home, went back to relaxation mode where I worked on getting my media servers updated and media organized. Since my media servers are Linux based, I was able to roll up my sleeves and get into the weeds a little bit.

Now I've settled in for a movie that's being played on one of my media servers and enjoying the fruits of my labor.

It's a minute past midnight, but this is still my Saturday, so I've made today's writing goal. See you tomorrow.

#100Days, Day 23 and Weekly Accountability for May 31st

Well, it happened. I missed a day by not posting yesterday. The thing is, I didn't even realize until I was already in bed ready to go to sleep. I'd actually considered getting up and going to post at least something.

But, I wanted to avoid an argument with my wife before it even started, so I settled in and went fast to sleep. Today required me to really think about what missing a day of posting meant. First, it meant not keeping my word to myself and to anyone who may be reading these posts.

That by itself didn't sit well with me. This feeling had me taking some time today to think about what happened, why, and what it really meant. Then, something occurred to me.

What occured to me was that, yes, I did miss a day. It does mean that 100 days of posting every day in a row isn't going to happen. However, it doesn't mean I can't still post for 100 days.

At the risk of rationalizing, I dove deeper into this. What came to mind was that although I missed a day, I still have a chance to keep posting every day for the rest of my challenge. That means that even though I stumbled, I can still finish strong. In a challenge like this, I think even finishing at all says something.

Not satisfied with this realization, I went even further. I equated this to all endeavors and life in general. What I came up with was that when I finish this challenge, I won't look back only at the day I missed. I'll likely look at the days I didn't miss, and give some time, a fraction overall, to the day I did miss.

This means that no matter where we are in life, it's never too late to finish. It's never too late for us to write the story of our lives that we want for ourselves. Not in the made up sense, but in the action and accomplishment sense.

If I want to be remembered a certain way, it's not too late for me to "write" that story so that when I leave this Earth, the story I wrote for myself was through the actions I took to be remembered in that certain way.

Whether it's a slow start, no start (yet), of a start without a finish, we can still write the story we want for ourselves. This makes the finish and the journey as a whole that got us there is so much more important that the stumbles and the mistakes.

I never like to let myself off the hook too easy, so I'm not one to just let these realizations be an excuse for me to stop trying. The story can only be written when the there's a journey and a destination has been reached. There can be many journeys, and several destinations, but I won't get the story of either one unless I take action on both.

It's weekly accountability time:

Weekly Accountability for May 31st, 2019

This Week's Goals (31 May 2019)

  • Enroll in that darn copywriting course! (So overdue)
  • Actually do some decluttering (Overdue)
  • Branstorm value propositions (Overdue)
  • Continue to apply realistic expecations to my everyday dealings and surroundings [Complete - and much less stressed when out in public]

Next Week's Goals (7 June 2019)

  • Enroll in that darn copywriting course!
  • Actually do some decluttering
  • Branstorm value propositions
  • Continue to apply realistic expecations to my everyday dealings and surroundings

Goals For The Month of May

  • Complete half of my copywriting course (Failed)
  • Define business niche and create ideal client profile (Failed)
  • Establish content strategy for upcoming business writing service website (Failed)
  • Made at least 4 contacts for upcoming business writing service (Failed)
  • Solidified professional freelance profiles for LinkedIn, Upwork, etc. (Failed)
  • Continue 100 Day Writing Challenge (Failed, but not quitting)

Goals For The Month of June

  • Complete half of my copywriting course
  • Define business niche and create ideal client profile
  • Establish content strategy for upcoming business writing service website
  • Made at least 4 contacts for upcoming business writing service
  • Solidified professional freelance profiles for LinkedIn, Upwork, etc.
  • Continue 100 Day Writing Challenge

Short Term Goals (within 6 months)

  • Complete a professional copywriting course by July 1st, 2019
  • Become a professional business and copywriter by August 1st, 2019 (by obtaining first paying client)
  • Establish processes for lead capturing
  • Develop client experience workflow from prospect to final delivery of product

Long Term Goals (a year or longer)

  • Be able to quit day job and go full time freelance by December 31st, 2020

What Went Right This Week

  • Capped off a great 5-day weekend with my wife
  • Kept up with work load and pace despite being out for two days this week
  • Used my coping mechanisms rooted in Stoicism and having realistic expectations to remain calm all week

What Can Be Done Better Next Week

  • Strive to get more done each workday
  • Be more deliberate with each day and plan for the next day the night before
  • Do something that will get me closer to achieving my overdue weekly goals.

#100Days, Day 22

Today was my first day back after a very welcomed 5-day weekend. I didn't dread coming back like I usually would, mostly because I'm in a rhythm at work. Not a lot of weird surprises, and just enough people are resisting the necessary changes I'm bringing on them, that this project is dragging out several months past the original deadline.

No fault of mine, well documented via email and weekly status updates, so I'm feeling pretty good about all this. And honestly, I tend to wonder if any projects for the foreseeable future will be as stressful as the one that took me out of commission for several months.

As this was Memorial Day weekend in the U.S., I always take some time on the holiday itself to reflect on those who lost their lives in the service of my country. It's the least I can do on a holiday such as this, as it's meant to honor and appreciate the many service men and women that gave the ultimate sacrifice.

It would be hard to reflect on something like that without wondering, how did I come out of the same conflicts so many others didn't. It wasn't like I was better at any particular skill, or tougher, or even more brave than any of those that didn't come home alive.

And with that, there's always a fair amount of guilt in that I seem to have won some sort of lottery that so many others didn't. In the past, that guilt would have consumed me to the point of depression and anxiety.

I do believe that so many other combat veterans, and survivors of disasters that took lives, struggle with this same type of guilt as well. In fact, U.S. military veterans are taking their own lives at a rate of 22 per day. I'd find it hard to believe that overwhelming guilt wouldn't be at least a contributing factor.

With the demonstrable growth I've been experiencing in the past year, this year I've been able to cope with the guilt by doing one new thing. This year, I gave thanks for being given the life I've been given.

Combat experiences aside, I've endured some very trying and sometimes traumatic experiences outside of the military. And yet, when I look back on all these experiences, from my times overseas as well as other times in my life, sometimes during childhood, I can now allow myself to be grateful.

Grateful for so many things. Where I live, how I live, who I'm married to, who I'm a father to, who I'm a friend to, and so much more. I'm grateful for all of this. I still grieve for those that didn't make it home, but I'd like to think that they would want these things for me and for everyone else that was able to come home and especially for those that didn't serve.

That's pretty much the definition of "sacrifice", isn't it? They sacrificed their lives so that our freedoms and way of life can be preserved. As someone who was also willing give his life for the same reasons, perhaps I do deserve to be a beneficiary of their selfless sacrifices after all.

The other good things in my life are nothing short of some kind of good Karma or Blessings that go beyond the typical preservation of freedoms that I may never feel that I truly deserve. And I realize that.

So when it comes to guilt and gratitude, they now can co-exist in my world. And while I wish I could have done more, I did do everything that was asked of me. Not just at the minimum level, I gave it my maximum effort in all things. But, I still wish I could have done more anyway.

I hope more of us that came home will be able to experience the same gratitude I've allowed myself to experience. If only that would happen, so that 22 vets taking their lives a day would be no more.

#100Days, Day 21

Great day, today. Slept in again to enjoy my last day of an extra long weekend.

Celebrated our wedding anniversary today with a big breakfast we helped each other make. Chilled out and just relaxed. Nowhere to be, nothing to have to do.

Back to work tomorrow, but also back to exploring thoughts, feelings, and realizations. For now, I’ve enjoyed this extended period of relaxation. It’s helped clear my mind and give my spirit a really nice break.

See you tomorrow.

#100Days, Day 20

Today was another pretty easy day. I did get a sort of a workout in as my wife and I went to her parents house so I could help my father-in-law remove a busted fridge from their house.

It wasn't their main one, it was an overflow fridge elsewhere in the house, and it was older than my marriage.

Taking it out was fairly easy, but they had a spare one in their garage that they wanted to move into the old one's spot. We tried to bring it in, but it was too big to fit where the other one was, so we had to take it back to the garage and put it back and hook it back up.

That gave me my workout because I'm usually not very active. So, moving the heavy fridges around was definitely some exercise I needed. I was also in a fasted state, so I hope the extra activity helped burn off some extra fat cells, too.

We took the old fridge to a charity donation drop-off, and then the four of us went to dinner. After coming home, back to relaxation mode, and so, here I am.

I'm about to settle into another episode of Chernobyl. I started it last night and watched two episodes. Very gripping movie about an event I remember happening when I was still in high school.

Well, I'm off to the show, and then to bed, then tomorrow will be my last of a beautiful 5-day holiday weekend/mini vacation. It's been pretty damn good so far, I must say.

Have a good night.

#100Days, Day 19

Just spent the day relaxing and spent some quality time with the wife. We also spent a good part of the day doing our own projects around the house.

Then we watched a movie, which just ended, and now I might watch one more before heading to bed.

Overall, it as just aother lazy day of several in a row with no stress, no worries. Not hatin' it. Not hatin' it one bit.

Good night.

#100Days, Day 18

Let's see... last night I stayed up and slept in big time. Got up around 10:30am. That's living the good life in my book.

I need to keep a notepad by my bedside because everytime I wake up, I've got ideas in my head that I want to explore. But, by the time I sit down to write, the ideas have escaped me. So, yeah, I need to either write down, or better yet, use Standard Notes on my mobile phone and capture my thoughts as soon as I wake up.

Today was great because even though I slept in late, the wife wanted to look at furniture. I needed to pick up some packages at our UPS store anyway, so we decided to make an outing of it. Run errands, look at furniture, then head over to a nice restaurant for an early dinner.

While we were out and about, I did notice something. I noticed that while I was driving, I'd normally be cussing and yelling at every little driving infraction I'd see other drivers making. Not today. I mean, yeah, sure, I'd say something, but not nearly as often, and not nearly as loud.

It was more like calm observation, and remembering that thre's nothing that I myself can do about what other people do and don't do. But, then I noticed something else. I noticed my wife being very impatient with traffic, and other people's driving. She was way more vocal than I was today.

I just enjoyed being with her, the fact that we got out and about today, and that I didn't need to be in a hurry for anything. So, the surprising thing for me was that I was calm, relaxed, and accepting of the other people on the road.

There was a weight lifted off me as a result as well. If I don't spend all that time and energy calling out everything and everyone I see, I felt less anxious and stressed. When I step back and really think about it, I was also less judgmental of others, and that seems to be a freeing experience as well.

It's as if I'm no longer the monitor of everything that everybody does. I just cared about me, my wife, and the moment we were in at any given time of the day today. Therefore, I really enjoyed my day more than I probably would have before challenging myself to take a different view of "expectations" and working on controlling my responses and reactions to things I can't control, and instead working on better controlling the things I can control, like me, my mind, my mood, and my gratitude.

Just took my time, soaked it all in, enjoyed the quality time with my wife, and for the first time in a very long time, I was able to focus on us, and not everyone else. Today, it was just the two of us in my world, and frankly, no one else really existed.

Here's to growth and progress!

#100Days, Day 17 And Weekly Accountability for May 24th

Today was a pretty good day overall. As luck would have it, I got a call from my team at work this morning. It was at least late enough in the morning that I was already up after sleeping in.

So, about 30 minutes of work today to put out the fire at work, then resumed my rest and relaxation. My wife was supposed to leave early today, but instead, drama erupted at her work and she ended up leaving an hour later than her usual time.

It's almost like there a force out there that senses the energy of people that are about to do something enjoyable like leave early, or try to take a day off, and then the energy says, "Well, we can't have that now, can we?" And then proceeds to shit all over our plans.

I laugh as I write this because, well, because it kinda seems to be the case.

Anyways, I binged on a bunch of YouTube, and just vegged out. Not a bad way to spend my day. Just some peace and quiet, and learning stuff on YouTube, especially about Stoicism. There's a video I found that was a whiteboard animation set to a Time Ferris talk about how he found Stoicism, and broke it down into practical terms. Great talk.

Ok, now for my weekly accountability.

Weekly Accountability for May 24th, 2019

This Week's Goals (24 May 2019)

  • Enroll in professional copywriting course (STILL, and yet STILL Overdue)
  • More decluttering and minimizing (Overdue)
  • Relax over the weekend [Done, yay me!]
  • Brainstorm value propositions I can offer as a professional business/technical writer
  • Give my roadster a bath and a nice polishing (Overdue)
  • Take one step toward additional decluttering (Overdue)
  • Apply the "realistic expectations" principle I wrote about yesterday [Done, and have noticed a big different in my patience levels]

Next Week's Goals for May 31st

  • Enroll in that darn copywriting course!
  • Actually do some decluttering
  • Branstorm value propositions
  • Continue to apply realistic expecations to my everyday dealings and surroundings

Goals For The Month of May

  • Complete half of my copywriting course
  • Define business niche and create ideal client profile
  • Establish content strategy for upcoming business writing service website
  • Made at least 4 contacts for upcoming business writing service
  • Solidified professional freelance profiles for LinkedIn, Upwork, etc.
  • Continue 100 Day Writing Challenge

Short Term Goals (within 6 months)

  • Complete a professional copywriting course by July 1st, 2019
  • Become a professional business and copywriter by August 1st, 2019 (by obtaining first paying client)
  • Establish processes for lead capturing
  • Develop client experience workflow from prospect to final delivery of product

Long Term Goals (a year or longer)

  • Be able to quit day job and go full time freelance by December 31st, 2020

What Went Right This Week

  • Found solace in spending quality time with my wife and a friend
  • Discovered something about myself I didn't realize before and could perhaps help me with my anger and anxiety (personal development)
  • Kept busy throughout the week to get some really good work done

What Can Be Done Better Next Week

  • Move closer to short and long term goals by enrolling in copywriting course (STILL!)
  • Show more patience towards others, especially towards less than cooperative co-workers (failed last week AND this week, but maybe next week)
  • Commit to even more to personal development

#100Days, Day 16

I made it. I got through the short week, and today was by far the busiest day I've had in months. So much to do today to insure a guilt-free 5 days off, but it all got done.

Well, there's always a chance I missed something, but since I don't know what that is, it's guilt-free because I won't know until I got back to work next Wednesday.

It was a huge relief to be done for the day. Usually, the day before a vacation or a holiday weekend, people cut out a little early to get a head start on their weekend. I wish that was the case for me, that wasn't meant to be.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today that I'd forgotten about, until I got a reminder from his office yesterday. And, it was in the afternoon, so I had to leave the office early, go see him, then come back home and finish everything I didn't get to finish before having to leave.

So, I got home around 4pm, and worked until about 5:30, then called it a day. Hardly an "early" start to my long weekend. In fact, my wife got home before I was done for the day, and that almost never happens.

Oh well, I'm off now and it feels fantastic!

My visit with my shrink went really well. I was in the best mood I'd been in for the past several visits. And, a big difference from when I was at the worst of my anxiety and depression relapse.

I just felt good... felt upbeat, well rested, not angry or frustrated. I even shared with him that lately I haven't been hating Sundays as I dread Mondays. I also told him that I'm writing every day, and how that really helps. More than I realized that it would or could.

It seems that my plan to pursue a path that I've been wanting to for some time (proessional copy and business/technical writing) has also been a healthy pursuit for me. It's got me focused on more positive outcome for my life and career.

I'm in a pretty good place right now, with work, with home, marriage, friendships, etc. Just talking with him today, I felt so good, so energized, and full of hope. Pretty much the exact polar opposite of how I felt even a few months ago.

Again, busy, busy, followed by a great visit with my doc, then busy again... but the thing is, I felt like I was really effective today. Like I contributed some tangible results to my work project, but also to myself. I was useful, and really in my zone.

There's no better feeling than that, and now I get to enjoy a nice 5 day break. I can't remember the last time I was this content. Sure feels good.

See you tomorrow.

#100Days, Day 15

Not sure what I want to reflect on today. A pretty uneventful day, and believe me, I'll take it over a chaotic one any day.

Was able to get my most difficult meeting of the day out of the way pretty early. Not first thing once I log in (which I can't stand), but a good hour and a half after starting work. That works great so that I can read my emails from the night before, and settle into my day.

After the meeting, I had nothing else on my calendar, so I was able to complete a majority of my work before lunch again. Did some more research on acoustic treatments and sound proofing rooms. Learned more about the distinctions and nuances between them, giving me some better direction on that to do for my rooms.

I'm just so happy to be off this Friday and the Tuesday after the holiday. A nice 5 day mini vacation for the price of only two vacation days.

I think on Friday, I'll sleep in (of course), and since my wife has to work, I'll treat myself to lunch at some place my wife always says no to.

Then, when I'm too full for dinner, she'll really start to squawk.

I've also noticed while linking to a previous post that all my images have somehow stopped loading. Not sure if the image host I'm using changed URLs on me, or what, but I guess I'll need to look into that at some point. Not really a priority at this point, but one more thing to add to my to-do list.

Other than that, not much else going on. This may sound boring, but believe me, I'm totaly good with that.

#100Days, Day 14

Not sure this one will blow anyone's socks off, but an overall good day. Was busy with work projects the first half of the day, then was done with my work by lunchtime. So, I spent the afternoon reading up on ideas for soundproofing my home office and TV room. Found some semi-affordable options that are already done for me, or I can DIY them myself and save some money.

Thing is, I don't really have any tools (except computer repair tools), I'm not very handy, and I don't really like doing that stuff. Then I realized, my co-worker is from Nebraska and he loves working on shit. He build a "shed" for his riding mower, and a workbench and extra storage, and I kid you not, it's a smaller replica of a red barn. Not much smaller than the real thing, but small enough to have it be allowed in a residential area.

He's built his own headboard, and he works on his own cars and saves a ton of money. It might not be a bad idea to see if I threw a few bucks his way, if he'd make them for me, and maybe I can still save some money, while also not having to build them myself.

Yeah, I know, why not just build them myself? Well, I wrote about that earlier in in my blog, and it really captures the reasons why. Sure, some could call me lazy, but I call myself smart for not spending too much time, if any, doing stuff I don't want to do, in favor of spending the same amount of time doing what I really want to do.

That's mostly learning new stuff, or maybe just hanging around watching sitcom reruns with the wife. Either way, I consider that a much better use of my time than to be doing something I don't really care to do. So, I think I'll hit him up later today or tomorrow and see what he thinks.

See, that's why we all have our strengths. While he may jump at the chance to build something for me involving wood and fabric and such, that's not really my bag. However, when it comes to the things I do like to do, like write, work on computers, and stuff like that, I could be the one jumping at the chance to do something that someone else would really not rather do.

I guess it's all part of the circle of life, and what makes the world go 'round, isn't it?