Sapphire

@Sapphire

My online name is Sapphire. I'm a programmer, scout, student and friend. 🐺I enjoy meditation, camping, programming, dreaming up new ideas/projects and experiencing this wonderful thing called life. 🐺I'm a currently recovering fapstronaut and 152 days. 🐺Finally, if you know who I am in really life, don't mention this blog. I do my best work when I don't know who's reading.

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20181111

Hey! Today wasn’t the best of days, I had a buzzing in the back of my head, that along with the fact that I was finding it extremely difficulty to do a basic derivative means that something was wrong. It took the entire day of me ignoring it before it finally became to much and I needed to figure out what was inhibiting me from being productive.


I’ve traced it to three main things:

Firstly lack of clear outline and plan for the upcoming week.

Messy Bedroom.

Messy binders.

All of the above things I can solve and will be solving all three tonight before I go to sleep so that I don’t loose any more days to lack of productivity.


Today I had a UMSATS meeting, it’s a meeting where we are planning and working towards launching a cubesat. This isn’t some sort of fluff but legitimate project that has been in the works for around four years. I’ve only joined this year and still need to learn C along with catching up on the terminology and information.


I’m working on SNAT and managed to get a feature done in an hour and thirty minutes. The feature was a simple feature and mimics what is done in Simple Tasks which is rearraging the tasks. I’ve also begun rethinking my sorting algorithms and am seriously considering a majour code overhaul on that. After this build and the next two builds I believe I’ll be finished Build 3 officially and at that time will split the project into two subprojects. The first subproject is simplifying all my code and the second is writing tests. I expect simplifying the code to take the longest with migrating tests taking less than twenty four hours to do. However, once I do this, my code will be MUCH better shape and maintainable.


Today my friend Yan messaged me a ebook that he had stolen that he thought that I would like. I told him that I wouldn’t accept a stolen book and that got me thinking of the other things that I had that I had implicitly stolen by accepting them from other people. I went thru my files and deleted anything that I didn’t recall purchasing or had a weird name that usually indicated a RIP or torrent. I’m proud to say that this negative event in which Yan was offering me stolen material got me to get rid of all the stolen material that I had implicitly or explicitly. Telling him that he shouldn’t be sending me stolen material while housing stolen material on my laptop is just wrong. So I did that and even though a lot of it I didn’t steal, knowing that I don’t have ANY stolen items implicit or not is a really really really great feeling.

20181110

Today started out as a weird day. I had trouble focusing the entire day and right before I was going to see Yan and go to the dance I figured out what the problem is. Yesterday I had been talking with my parents that Yan is the second guy who’s tried to take me on a date. We were discussing that perhaps I’m gay. I’m not sure myself, I believe that I’m not interested in someone sexually but more in a mental or intellectual way. However the problem I first thought was that I didn’t want to fall in love, because I had to pay attention to university. Then the second excuse was that it was a flaw with Yan that was not managable. Finally after a lot of deliberation I finally discovered what was causing my stress. I was scared to fall in love.


I’ve been in love once very briefly with a girl named Natalia. However it was more of a one sided relationship, I felt a lot of affection for her and I believed at the time that I loved her, however the dynamic wasn’t very well, I knew it, my parents knew it. We had mentioned it to each other, still every single time she called I would drop everything to make sure that the time would work. It took quite awhile before I finally had the self control to say no and stop kidding myself that maybe this time will be different. It’s not because I’m bitter about love. I’m very interested in love and am very interested in a close and intimate relationship with someone, yet at the same time I’m scared because I’m giving someone else a lot of control over. I still feel like I need to be in control, I don’t want to lose control, even though I know it’s not a loss of control. The other thing is that I still have a lot of problems that I’m worked thru and considering that my parents relationships have a pretty major problems, I don’t want to introduce a similar thing into the relationship that I have with my loved one.


Yan is a great person but like everyone has flaws. I learned a lot about myself from Yan. I used to firmly believe that someone that was even a tad bit racist I would refuse to hangout with, the friendship would end immediately, that it had too. However, even though I’m against his rasism I’m not letting it slide, so much as I’m choosing to focus on how smart, interesting and all around cool person he is. Maybe I’ll convince him that being racist has no place in this world. But I still view him as a friend. Mind you I don’t agree with any of his racist talk and make sure that he’s aware of it. However I don’t that what I’ve mentioned about my friend Yan should define if or if not someone should be your friend, just like if someone smokes. I’ve had a few friends that were smokers and aside from smoking they were amazing peoples. However certain types of racism or ideology I won’t stand at all and however I think of the person I will terminate the friendship immediately, such as a certain race shouldn't count as people or that women are subservient to men ect.  

20181109

Today was once again a good day. I got everthing that I needed done. I was going to dance with a friend but turns out that Friday November 10th doesn’t exist. So we did the second part of our plan which was go to a Chinese restaurant and have authentic Chinese food. I don’t know the two dishes we had the exact names but I know one of them was spicy and had cow’s stomach and tongue and the other one was more savory and was intestines from some animal. Both were very good. Yan, ended up ordering this other dish after I asked him what it was, (even though I had no intention of eating any more food. I was full) and it was this slab of raw tofu with these blackened egg pieces on top and this complicated tasting sauce that had more than one dimension to it. It was a great time and we’ll go dancing tomorrow. I just means that our fun event stretched out to two days instead of one which is a really nice bad luck, considering how bad luck can go.


Aside from not dancing and having Chinese food and spending time with Yan, I worked on all my school work and have had a small but significant breakthrough in my mandatory minimum prison sentences paper, that felt really good. However, since I’m running windows 10 with Word inside of a virtual box I’m not able to have the information that I’m reading from and my word document inside my VM open at the same time. However, this week it’s not a problem because it’s break week and I’ll be able to connect my laptop to my external monitor allowing me to begin covering meaningful ground this upcoming week.


I’m not sure if I mentioned but I meet with student accessibility services and the accommodations that will be (hopefully) put into place this upcoming Friday will put me on a more even playing field with the rest of the UofM students.


Also, my SNAT is going great, right now I’m stalled as I’m trying to figure out how to merge the develop branch into the master branch. I’m managed to merge it the other way but that wasn’t my intention so I undid that and hope to merge it the otherway as soon as I figure out how to do so.

20181108

I missed writing yesterday and my routine suffered as a result. Here’s how I’ll describe today. It was great. Yesterday I worked a lot on my school work and mentally burned myself out for today. I had all these high aspirations when I got home yesterday that I would do some programming, then some other stuff etc. None of it came to fruition. I was too tired. However I did have a great conversation with my parents and interesting discussion about mandatory minimum prison sentences!


Today I went to University, did my classes, then meet with student accessibility services to get accommodations because of how new situations and stress destabilizes and make me unable to focus. It was time well spent. Then I went to a writing tutor where I had feedback on how I would work on improving the general direction my half finished essay was going in. After that I did a small workout on the stair machine, followed by a tiny amount of ab work. Then I did my stat’s quiz and I called it a day.


Looking back, I regret pushing myself that hard because I lost more time of studying and learning than I gained by pushing myself aggressively for an extra hour with no breaks between the sessions. In the later sessions I made it worse because my brain was telling me that it was ready to quit and I kept ignoring the warning signs that it was giving me.


Actually when I begin thinking of it more rationally, I was only going to have 1 hour at most that I could have studied. So actually never mind I take back that I regret it. On most days, it won’t be like today where I have so few hours to study.


Other than school, SNAT is going great, I’m almost finished Build 3 Subbuild 0 and am figuring out how to merge three separate branches together and how to do that. Regarding what I said about saving information to local storage, I achieved it. I extracted just the crucial piece of data which was a array that represented the data that the LinkedList holds and JSONify it. Then deJSONify to get back an array which I give to the LinkedList method to add to itself.  

20181106

I had my second math term test today and I believe it went pretty well. It was a mentally tiring day because I did the term test followed by a stat’s SI which stands for supplemental instruction.


Other than feeling tired, I’m just worried about a meeting that I’m having this upcoming Thursday for Student accessibility services because it may conflict with the time I’ve booked for the writing tutor and I can’t rebook the writing tutor. Next week I’ll have access to no writing tutors and the week after my paper is due. So I’m really really hoping that the meeting on Thursday doesn’t take longer than 55 minutes. Good news I was able to look at the information that I mentioned yesterday and I believe that I’ve found some sources that I can use in my paper.


I also got back my 500 word paper which had a really weird thing happened to it. First the grades were released prematurely and I saw that my grade was a 67. I was disappointed because it looked like I was having a downwards trend in my grade compared to what was expected which was the more papers that you write the better your grade gets. However I received an email yesterday saying that the grades were prematurely released since the professor hadn’t had time to look at it. I thought that meant my grade would go down even further. However when I got my paper back today. I got an 80! How odd is that. Obviously I’m pleased but I’m curious to why such a big grade shift?


Secondly, I’ve begun working on saving and restoring data from local storage. I thought that it was going to be a five minute task or something similar. In Java you can have your class implement something called serializable which allows saving and restoring your object from disk. In JS there doesn’t appear to be something like this. So I’ll have to figure out how to save an entire object which in turn contains objects within objects within objects. TaskManager which holds onto a LinkedList which holds onto Nodes which hold onto the individual Tasks. However, maybe I should just extract the Task objects and reinject them?


Anyway goodnight!

20181105

Hey! Today was an incredible day for four main reasons. Here are the reasons:

After long last I’m reaching the end of Build 3 Subbuild 0. The last thing that I’m working on is a reading and writing to local storage or JSON blob, whichever way ends up being easier. As a reward I did a victory commit where I commited a file that had just a tiny bit of comment added so I could declare that victory! Overall I’ve learned how to stick to a project and now from here on out it’s going to pick up steam!


Secondly, I saw this beautiful sky as I was going to University where the sky had shades of pink and purple because of how the light was reflecting off of the atmosphere.


Thirdly, this one’s going to take a tiny bit of explaining. When I get extremely nervous or stressed usually I’m now very good at detecting it but in some cases I fail to detect it. The way that I handle the extreme nervousness or anxiety is often I’ll invent a reason that I need to get x or y. Usually I catch it at this stage and don’t actually spend the money and realize that I’m nervous and need to figure out what I’m nervous about. Well yesterday was such the case that I was nervous and I didn’t realize it. I ended up getting a book off of amazon that I had borrowed convinced that I needed my own personal copy. This went along everything that as a person I believe in. I’m trying not to amass stuff and am learning to be content with what I have. The principal here is that I’m trying to distract myself with a novelty item or the browsing for a new item. However this doesn’t happen very often last event occurred in late September. Most often I can reverse the charges and return the item before it’s even been shipped.


Fourthly, you know when you’re having trouble with finding information or debugging you somehow convince yourself that something that is completely unrelated to the problem or the information that you’re seeking is the solution? I did that yesterday trying to analyze statistical data for criminal recidivism. However once I realized this with the insight from my mom, she suggested that I go talk to the librarian staff and get help with my search terms and where I was searching. I did and now I’m actually coming up with information that I can use and my gosh it’s much better than trying to create graphs out of CVS files and interpreting them!


Tomorrow I have a term test in Math that I’m not very worried about and continuing to work on Stat’s and Computer Science and Writing.


20181104

Today was another fantastic day. I got up early and was able to complete an hour and half of my schoolwork before I got to school. Then when I got to school I completed another 15 minutes before an early lunch. Followed by 30 minutes before the library opened and finished up the last hour and forty five in the library.



I'm working on a paper for my university class where I argue that mandatory minimum prison sentences should be banned because of the of proven alternative methods, harm to the family of the convicted and finally that it takes away power from the judicial branch and places it in the legislative branch.



I also got a lot of work done on SNAT. I’ve finished the modify methods for tasks and redid the delete method. I’m now working on the Message Boxed based input system. This system I’m not making error proof or at all pretty. It’s just designed so that I can make sure that everything is functioning the way it’s supposed to togeather. I still have a few bugs to work out in it and then I’ll run a few comprehensive tests and fix any bugs I discover before finally designing a temporary mechanism to export the task data as JSON. Eventually it will be saving the information to either session storage or within Standard Notes just like Simple Tasklist does.



Bad news for me but I shouldn’t be surprised. My tests and my code is getting unwieldy. I have tests that are overlapping almost exactly while entire other section of my code have barely any tests at all. My different objects are also way to intimate with each other accessing data and properties that they really shouldn’t be accessing. So I’ll be after I finish SNAT Build 3 Subbuild 0. I’ll be focusing on getting the tests in a more organized and tree like format like I’ve discussed before. This will put a temporary halt to my development, however I’m thinking of doing a sort of hybrid approach where I spend approximately 20 minutes migrating over tests and dealing with any bugs caused because of that while continuing ongoing development and dumping new tests directly into the new testing framework the second it becomes usable and stable enough for that.


20181103

Hey. Today is the first day that I'm deciding to make my journal entries public. Before hand I had been making seperate journal entries and blog posts. I've decided that today, I'm done with that and I'm just going to make these public. They're mainly for myself to look back on but you're free to look at them also. This is the last time (hopefully) that I'll address you directly.

Today starting out fine, went really bad and then skyrocketed. Here's how:

November, December and Part of Januarary is hard for me because of adoption trauma. During November I get a dull roar that's just in my mind the entire month and by December it get's really really loud and then in Janurary after my birthday passes it disapears like someone turned the tap off. 

Anyway I've had to incidences before today on November 1st and November 2nd which is exactly on schedule from every other year. 

Today when it was coming on badly, I first attempted to meditate thru it, spending 23 minutes trying to get to the root of the problem that was causing the dull roar. However, I didn't get anywhere and focusing somehow causes it to get worse. I decided to scrap the rest of the schoolwork that I had planned to accomplish that day and go workout. At this point I was panicing. I still had a month left of first term of university and if I couldn't get around an hour of productive work done each and every day for each subject I would be at serious risk for falling behind. This would be compounded by my flight or fight response which goes from 0 to 100 and doesn't slowly go up like most people's. Fight or flight responses exacerbate this buzzing in my head along with the increased stress of falling behind in university. 

All in all this would be vicsious downwards cycle. However during my workout I had a very big insight which was that I can control my response to this buzzing. Once I realized this and had several failed starts in attempting to control my response, I realized something else. That this buzzing was connected to RAD.

I don't have much time to discuss RAD at this point because my time is running out. Basically around 3 when I was most traumatized a part of my mental part was locked at around three. I'm fully mentally functional and mostly at age level, this is like a leaf from a tree. The tree grew another leaf to replace the broken leaf but this broken leaf still hangs around and causes problems.

In the very near past I discovered that RAD and what I had been previously addressing as my three year old were not the two seperate entities but the same. (I'm personifiying both RAD and the three year old, but I assure you I only have one voice in my head).

This has allowed me to connect and realize that RAD attempts to hijack control from me by creating the buzzing in my head, inability to focus, extremely low energy all because it believes that I'm in danger and need to sieze control of the situation immediatly. This usually only surfaces during my trauma aniversery which this is the start of.

Here's my new view of RAD and this is the view that allowed me to regain mental clarity. RAD will hijack in someway, I become stressed, the stress triggers RAD and the cycle continues. What I need to do to break this cycle is stop being stressed and realize that I'm in control of my emotions and feelings. Once I realized this the buzzing faded very quickly and I was back in control of my mental space.

This has brightened up the November, December and Janurary months considerable, the fact that I was able to unhijack myself without the usually need for sleep as a reset means that I'm not at the mercy of RAD again. Sure I'll still not regain instant control but I'll regain control much faster than I've ever been able to in the past.

All in all, I understand Bruce Banner much better now.

SNAT is going well and tomorrow is going to be an awesome day.


Goodnight. 

Forty Third Ramble

20181008    


Well, I've had another roadblock hit me today. I was uanble to concentrate at all so I didn't get any SNAT work done today. I'm aiming daily to get 30 minutes done. It's not too much to ask of myself and I really really want to get this project finished.


I have a wall that has my next 8 ideas along with another idea that I just had which was a passwordless login. 


I'm don't know about you but I use a password manager to login to my accounts. This means that when I manually have to log into an account that I don't have a password manager on, it's a long process as I'm carefully trying the random characters exactly as I see them.


I was thinking of a service that places like google where the password is used only as a means of authentication and not to actually encrypt the data, that you could navigate to that account on a device you're trying to log into and click something like "Log me in from another device", a notification would pop up that would show the device and confirm passwordless login. This would help people like me. 


The old Sapphire would have stopped and switched to something easier. Not me! I'm sticking thru developing SNAT until I get it.


What's slowing me down right now is that my tests are getting to unwieldy, so I have two options, first is take a few weeks and properly learn about TDD and then rewrite the tests or limp along the way that I'm doing now. I'm more inclined to do it right the first time so I'll probably spend 30 minutes actively developing and writing tests as is and 10 minutes learning TDD and migrating tests slowly. I really want to keep moving forward and keep developing SNAT.

Forty Second Ramble

20181007


Hey! Good news I'm now working on Build 3 of SNAT. I've successfully finished _prioritySort() and now am working on _earliestSort(). What's holding me up right now is revising the tests so that it works with cancelled. I'm thinking of possibly breaking the array into two lists, the cancelled and the uncancelled and running thru both. If they both pass, then the entire test passes. It will make my code more readable and maintainable in the long run.


Once I finish build 9 of SNAT or maybe after build three, I'm going to take time and rewrite my TDD tests so they're less of a mess and so that they have dependency trees. What this means is that if a test for the Node object fails, anything that relies on the Node object which is the LinkedList won't be run because the Node test's aren't failing. This means that anything that relies on the LinkedList to work won't have it's tests run because the LinkedList isn't tested because the Node which is a class it depends on is broken. This sort of dependancy allows when a test fails going to what is the root of the problem. Otherwise you'd run the tests and have 30 failed tests ranging from Node to LinkedList to TaskManager. This second one seems like your code has gone to hell!


Here's how the test output would look with my proposed idea

Node Test failed

  LinkedList Test aborted Dependancy Node failed

  TaskManager Test aborted Dependancy LinkedList failed

Tests completed 10 passed 24 suspended 1 failed


Here's how the test output would look look like without my proposed idea

Tests completed 1 passed 25 failed


Which one looks clearer and better long term tests , time and troubleshooting efficiency?

20181006 Forty First Ramble

The following post will talk about sensitive subject, viewer discreetion is advised



I've become addicted to programming.







































I'm on the 100 day streak going onto 101st day of no porn. The fact that I decided to go ahead and post my own personal story is due to three people mainly.

    The first is Alexander Rhodes who himself was a porn addict and helped so many people including me.

    The second is Mr. Bitar who posted blog posts that showed that he wasn't perfect and that's what made him perfect.

    The third was Aviators who inspired me because of his dedication to his music.


I'm posting this because these three people inspired and all provided support/motivation that assisted on keeping me on track.

I wanted to post so other know that I'm not perfect, nor do I pretend to be, however I'm someone who's 100 days away from pornography and feeling worlds better. This ramble will provide a short overview of the following:

  • Of my history
  • Failed attempts
  • Reason it's so addictive
  • What was the final straw
  • How my days used to go
  • How my days go now
  • Noticed benifits and excepts from my journal
  • Wrapup
  • Resources

Feel free to reach out if you have questions or comments.


So I've been addicted to internet pornography of one time or another since I was a very young person around the age of twelve. I never really progressed out of erotic texts or photographs convinced somehow that by staying away from videos that I was somehow better managing my pornographic behaviors. I wasn't at all. Porn is porn is porn. Pornography was with me since I was twelve and only recently did I manage to quit.

I've had too many failed attempts to count but the three most recents were in July of last year where I tried and managed to get to 10 days before I failed and resumed my habit. The next failed attempt was where I would stop on January 1st 2018 and I would be rid of it for good. That was a quick fail and I had broken that promise on Janurary 2nd. From Janurary till June I marked every single time I failed and I never managed to get past 6 days free. So I was trying but lookin back these were all halfhearted attempts that I didn't realize were half hearted until I looked back on them. (I'll explain later in this entry.)

The reason that pornograhpy is so addictive is that it's the ultimate rush, the ultimate distraction. Unlike youtube binging, junk food binging such. Pornograhy provides instant and guarenteed protection from whatever is painful or scary (notice that I used protection, I'll explain later in this entry). Humans are designed to want to perputate thier genes, the part of the brain responsible for this primal urge can't tell the difference between a real person and the image or text that you're viewing on the screen.  

The reason I said "protection" was because pornography provided a terrible way to avoid your difficult or scary feelings. First you'll find that you have the urge to distract yourself mightely. For me it might be as simple as watching a youtube video that I've watched many times before or aimlessly browsing the web. Then the shame that you wasted time that I should have been doing something productive is layed on top of whatever emotion that I was trying to originally escape. Then eventually the layering of shame and other emotions caused me to eventually default to porngraphy and for a half hour I could escape the awful feeling. However the second that I was finished, I would begin berating myself for watching or reading pornography which provided another thing to focus on for awhile, allowing me to still avoid the feelings. The fact that I wasted time doing this really bad behaviour would mean that I lost time that I was supposed to be doing school work and such. That meant I would keep perpaturing a negative cycle with it getting worse and worse. It got to the point that I was feverishly trying to be productive, trying to make up for lost time, which would cause me to not be as productive because I was trying to push myself to hard. This would cause me to PMO. I began icolating my self and not partaking in fun family activites believing that I could use that time to catchup on lost time. I would usually fail again there again and PMO. I was so concerned on trying to make up lost time that I stopped allowing myself to have fun, this caused me to sneak it like binging on youtube, which would invariably make me feel bad because I wasted time that I could have been productive and  I would eventually succumb to PMO.

The above paragraph is probably confusing but basically, I was losing time because I was PMO'ing and because of lack of motivation (which at the time I believed was an other problem entirely, and I was reading self help books to try and fix that problem), I wasn't accomplishing much and I was feeling really shitty about that causing the entire cycle to repeat except this time with added shame and fear of being discovered.

The final straw was when I was graduating. My parents and family was so proud of me, I couldn't have felt less proud of myself. I had failed to achive my biggest new year resolutions, the secret and what it was doing was becoming harder and harder to hide. I was barely able to get by in grade 12 and pull the high grades that I did. I was constantly parked in front of my desk. I didn't see any of my friends and worst of all I felt that I had no control over my life, that I didn't have a future or hope. That I was destined to live my life as someone who hated themselves and didn't ever do anything with their life. This was kindled with self hatred towards myself because having been an older adoptee I had been working hard since I was adopted at overcoming RADD and other difficulties along with pushing myself. This meant that I've been working on catching up and getting up to speed with how to be a normal person who didn't have all of my hurts and challenges. I was thinking what's the point of all the hard work you've put in, the pain, the nights crying. I'm throwing that all away. I'm not going to be able to handle university along side my pornography addiction. It was extremely difficult doing grade twelve and my pornography addiction. I wouldn't be able to manage university and pornography addiction. One would have to go, the scary part was I didn't know which one. I knew that I only had one shot which was this summer. If I didn't master my addiction by the end of the summer I could say goodbye to 13 years of hard work at becoming someone who could do something with their life, someone who was given a second chance at it.

Here's how my days would usally go:

    Make a schedule and fail to stick with it.     

    Running on possibly less than 6 hours of sleep because I was up till midnight browsing the web or trying to desperatly distract myself.

    Failing to do very much any day.

    At least one a week if not twice or three times PMO'ing and feeling horrible.

    Inability to be motivated or be happy at myself. 

    The only two emotions that I really knew was shame and disapointment otherwise I didn't feel anything.

    Youtube, Internet, Food or Porn Binging

    Failure for any real free time

    Failure to follow my mental health

    Failure to really address my emotions

Here's how my days do usually go:

    Make a schedule and stick with it.

    Run on usually 8 hours of sleep because I went to bed at a consistent time.

    Accomplishing alot and being easy on days that I don't manage to accomplish much    

   PMO'ing 0 times per week

   Having daily social interactions along with weekly friend hangouts

   Plently of free time to pursue anything I want

   Following my mental health and exercise routines

   Full range of emotions, the world feels much brighter and I've have countless moment where I'm marvelling how beautiful things are, like raindrows in hair or tree or building or sky or anything else.

   Full motivation and going to bed satifisfied with my day.


Before I forget I wanted to explain what I meant by half hearted attempts.  I didn't realize but at the time, the reason that I failed so consitently was that I was scared to live without pornograhpy. It was something that I had grown up and become very used to being able to use to censor bad emotions. I didn't realize that I was scared of living without pornograpy until I began journalling my current recovery.

Here are some excepts:

Note Project Fox is the codename I gave to quiting pornography.


20180704 -  I'm now actively working on Project Fox which is both good and really scarely, However, it's mostly good.


20180705 - Friendship, as weird or corny as it sounds. Friendships are the most powerful things in the universe. Its what makes you look back on a day and realize that it was a good day and that you're spirit was a happier spirit than would have otherwise been.


20180706 - Pornography "built" my sexuality and sexual preferences pathway, with my "real" pathways becomes grown over from disuse, but it still exists. I'm worried that if I didn't seriously begin persuing this reboot, that the "real" sexual preferences and sexuility would have been erased.


20180707 - Today was one of those days that started off good and was like a ferris wheel that went up and down the entire day.


20180708 - I was helping a friend navigate a shady website and one of those pornographic popups popped up. We laughed it off as I closed it hastily. However, it was like tiny brief exposure to pornograhy retriggered that entire circurity. Part of my mind kept rationalizing things to me such as "Just visit a site like literotica", "You deserve a break after getting this far...". You and I both understand how stupid that sounds. Its the same as an alcoholic going on light beer.  That happened around 1600 and since they I've had major brain fog. This really shows how bad of a grip that pornography has on me.


20180710 - The best way to image what the porngraphy habit does, is imagine a beautiful place like mountains w/ valleys. Now image that entire area is filled to the brim with this vicous, sludgy and toxic sludge, every day that you go without pornography, a little bit of that sludge disapears. I'm only on day 13 out of 90 and its dropped very little, yet some flowers at the top of the mountain along with the peak of the mountain is visible. There are still times that for no apparent reason I will get a horrible craving and I risk having the mud/sluge rise again if I succumb to that .


20180711 - I'm about to break my two week without PMO which is extremely exciting!


20180712 - Anyway,  since I've completed my first two weeks of project fox, today my brain has been trying to hijack me starting at five in the morning. I've had a very mentally exhausting day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I'm entering the hardest two weeks that I will have experienced with withdrawel symptons relating to project fox, along with major and constant trigger the entire weekdays (Mon to Friday, to possible Saturday). So a double wammie.


20180713 - I've noticed looking back that I've been spending more time on my computer wasting and bingding and spending less time with family and friends, I tell myself that I'm doing great things, designing the next big program, however after two years of doing this, I have nothing to show for my time, why? because I've accomplished virtually zero. (Why that is, I'll cover another time, or maybe I already covered, I don't remember). I've pushed away people I loved further than I wish I had, weakened friendships (non critically, but close in most cases). Never again. I resolve to be the type of person that even is super busy can take the ten minutes to talk with someone on the phone, keep my busyness to myself ( I find that when I tell people that I'm busy, I spend more time telling and thinking that I'm busy, than I spend actually being busy). I lost sight of what makes life worth living, it's the differences you make in other people lives and the happy memories that you create.


20180714 - I wanted to reflect on how lucky/unluck people can be. I'm adopted and therefor I'm extremely lucky that I have a family that cares, gave me oppourtinites my unadopted self could only dream off, gave me a chance at a non dead end job, mostly, they helped me become a person that I could be proud of. The saying "It takes a village to raise a person", is absolutly fundamentally true. Anyone who is telling you that they are a self made person is lying, many people helped (directly or indirectly), inspired, encouraged and assisted them.


20180716 - I've noticed on 19th day of no fap! That whole areas of my life have begun to improve.


First my programming penis syndrome (PPS) I'm not sure if it actually exists but its defined as this:


    Showing off tools that you can use to awe other programmers that are more advanced than you that you are just as advanced as they are in programming, by having them assume that because you can use this tool you must be really far along. Chances are (sorry to burst your bubble), they can tell that you are suffering from the PPS. The only cure is get your shit together and put in the time to actually learn. My PPS was downloading alot of IDE's, running on Linux (only advanced programmers can do  that, right?(Being sarcastic here)), downloading programming resources for many different langauges. I've lost it. No longer suffer from PPS.


Second I'm more confident, I don't feel the rot rotting me away from the inside.


Third, I've begun earnestly practicing and look forward, I've started up and am working on three side projects, preparing to communicate with multiple high profile projects online and am actually taking steps to achieve my goal.


Forth , I've learned that pmo had put me into a sort of brain fog and reduced mental capacity, I would guestimate that I was running around 30 to 60% of my max capability. Now I'm running at 100% capability.


Fifth, PMO, I'm not going back to, I have nessary tools and the will to do it. I don't want brain fog, I like being awake.


20180718 - I'm on day 20 going onto 21 of my streak! (22.222222222 Percent!)


Alright, the brief glimpses that I have about what made me happy was when I was camping (at least that was what I thought). I spent time thinking and I realized it wasn't camping that made me happy and felt that I was living my life, it was the group dynamic where everyone felt at the center of attention, their was comraderiy, jokes. Memories were created that to this day, all of us remember.


When I think about it now, it makes total sense. We're social animals, so of course having a healthy social enviroment would make us happy. 


Don't get fooled into buying this  or that will make you happy. You'll be stuck on the consumerism treadmill forever. 


20180720 - I dealt with some porn triggers, better yet, instead of just dealing with the effects (urge to watch porn), I traced it back to the source. Once I discoverd what the problem was (first time was I was feeling useless, second time I was feeling really tired), both are percieved to me as negative emotions and therefor porn triggers. Once I dealt with each situation and had a talk with myself along with a walk, I was back on an even keel.


20180722 - I also had a scary moment when I was thinking about some beautiful pictures that I would never again see, because I believe their partially gateway photographs into pmo'ing and slightly pornographic. However, my rational part of my brain realized that keeping those photos around is like having an acholoic keep around a scotch or a brandy to use "after over addiction". Which when you think about it is a terrible idea. When you quit something you want to remove all triggers and things that you did to achieve that addiction. So those photos are gone!


20180724 - Hey. I want to talk about why I'm publishing my reboot/ pornography recovery journey.  (You'll find that serveral older entries say something along the lines of "If you're seeing this I recently passed the 90 day mark", that's not true. The current streak is the latest journal entry).  


Why? Because if I make this public, I believe that I will succeed, that in the moments that I'm feeling weak, I will know that I'm not just doing it for myself, I'm also doing it to show the world that I can break this horrible addiction. That this doesn't define me at all.


Right now my streak is 25 days.


How you can help. Either you can be encouraging or you can say nothing. I don't need you to tell me how bad porn is. I know. I know I made a mistake. I know. However, I'm fixing the mistake, I have the courage to fix the mistake and not just be honest with myself  but with you. I'm not hiding this. This is something that I used to engagae with and something that I will never again engage with. If you're going to judge me by what I did 26 days ago. Then you need to really rethink how you judge people. I used to judge people if they smoked, you know what? I missed the entire person, sure they had a horrible habit, but they weren't fundamentally bad. Perhaps they were trying to quit, and don't want to tell anyone incase they fail the first or second or tenth time because they would be seen as weak? That was my mistake, I didn't tell anyone what I was going thru. That underneath that smile or super chipper personality, I was unhappy, scared, not sure who I was, what was wrong with me, why couldn't I quit? 


Why did I turn to porn, because when I was around 14 that I discovered it, it turned out to be the best and most powerful way to distract myself. I had problems relating to early child hood trauma, PTSD and an overreactive stress response system. This gave my the peace that I needed, though at a terrible price. One that I'm paying back now.


20180725 - This was an incredible feeling. I also was able to talk easily and I wasn't at all nervous. It was an incredible feeling to be able to look a girl in the eye and not have to worry that she'll see what a monster I am. (That monsters dying, it's not easy, but it's happening!).


20180726 - What I'm scared about is that I'm going to make a big mistake, or people will think that I'm a lunatic and that my life, my healing all my efforts will have been a waste. That I should have just led an average life, however when I think about leading an average life, a 9-5 life, my skin crawls and I get physically sick. The idea that after all the work, all the pain, that I'm just going to be another sheep in the herd, another sheeple, makes no sense. So I'm stuck between these two paralyzing choices, I know which one I really want, I'm just scared of being abandoned by society, just like I was abandoned by my mother and ukrainian family.(I know my current family won't abandon me, it's hard telling that to my little five year old). <-- You see, Five was when I was once again had my life uprooted and forever since then I've had a little five year old, that needs comforting. Mostly I do a good job, but sometimes I do a shit job conformting my five year old (which is me, just permenently frozen to when I was five.Not sure if that made sense.)


Pornography helped me avoid this difficult question which I didn't know I was even struggling with until right now.


20180729 - I realized how deep this pornography addiction goes, I was reading a book that  for about a page dived into extremely light pornography, I was triggered right away, so I grounded and resumed. But that really shows how  deep this problem goes. So I keep working and improving that's the only thing I've done.


20180731 - watermelon as a hat. I wore that and went swimming and doing funny things.(No cats were harmed in the production of this fun. This fun is glutton free and raised in a hormone free environment.). These types of stupid and funny ideas are something the pre July 1st Sapphire would have never even though of or did.


20180801 - However, during my addiction, this slowely disapeared. I would resist watching movies, claiming that they weren't productive. In reality, the reason that I felt like that was because I wasn't getting anything done. I didn't have the drive or the motivation. Any time that I did, I was always like "I'll do that later". So I kept getting upset with myself, I wasn't accomplishing any of my goals, because of that I didn't want to watch movies because I somehow had managed to convince myself that movies and entertainment was the reason that I wasn't accomplishing anything. I take that out and I'll finally accomplish my goals. That's not what I've rediscovered. Quitting pornograhpy fully (I'm on day 34 going onto day 35), I've had a much clearer mind, I've learned to deal with my discomfort and not turn to youtube, music, pornography or food as a way to avoid uncomfortable or unpleasant emotions, thoughts or feelings. I'm routinely accomplishing around 90 minutes of programming every day with usually 30 minutes of SNAT development.  This is leaving plenty of time to watch movies every few days. I'm not guilty and because I'm giving myself plenty of free time, my programming, quality of code and life have drastically improved.


20180802 -  I did horribly, but at least I tried. I wasn't going to let an opportunity for fun to pass me by. The lip sync battle wore away almost the entire evening's computer programming time. However, computer programming time can be made up, these memories can't be.


Part of my reboot, I'm reexamining my entire life and what I want to change about it. The biggest thing was I did was put up a barrier of "always being so busy". Partially I think it was to protect me, I was scared what people were going to find. I was angry at myself and thought that having an extremely tight schedule would allow me to be more productive. Instead the opposite happened, I became much less productive, (basically stagenating in all areas of my life), this made me become even more rigid. This type of schedule didn't work at all. For every 2 or so days of "hyper" rigidity, I had almost 3 days of no concentration. It traced backed to the pornography addiction. Only I was so focused on becoming more productive, I never thought to look at other areas and other habits. So I'm working on not putting up that barrier of hyper busyness, it just pushes people away, people expect that if you're so busy, you must be happy and they stop trying to include you in their fun, you miss out on so so much. I'm not going to make that mistake this time round. 


20180807 - I'm spreading my social wings again, I'm coming out of the shadows. It feels great. I'm allowing myself to have fun because I'm not wasting time doing PMO, which means no Brain Fog which means I actually accomplish and maintain my goals trajectory.


20180809 - LIFE is LOOKING UP!


20180814 - I've feeling the urge to PMO which is not hard but there. I've traced it to two things: I'm tired and Stressed.


I'm going great.


I love you and myself.


20180818 - Anyway I accomplished nothing today and that's very fine. Working and pushing myself and having a day off is well worth it!


20180821 - Project Fox is going awesome. I've realized that allowing myself to feel tired and nervous as a good thing. That's mainly when pornographic thoughts enter my mind.(I'm able to easily dismiss them)


20180823 - I've learned so much about myself, becoming someone that I'm truely happy with. I'm not sure if I told you yet but I'm now 100% comfortable with my own name


The next thing I want to talk about is that I had an urge to get a Wacom tablet, because I told myself that I needed it. It was the fourth of many tecnological  things I was thinking of getting when I got back into town. The more I probed each reason of why I was justifying getting that the quicker I found out, I really didn't want any of it. I was/am scared about failing in JavaScript and therefor starting my company...


...My subconcousness was expressing this fear by trying to get me to get another moniter, because everyone that I know who has two moniters always is super productive and knowegeable. This is something that I realized that I was  doing at school that I didn't realize until now. I believed that by having two moniters and therefor twice the amount of desktop real estate, I would magically become more productive than I had been....


...I need one thing and one thing only practice and practice. I will practice and it's alright that I don't have all the answer right now, because I never will, the more answer I seek the more questions I will find also. But that's life and there's nothing to be ashamed about finding questions that you don't know the answer too. Asking and learning is the only way. I'm going to do just that.




So Project Fox is going just great.I'm on day 56 of No Fap.


20180825 - Building friendships and relationships with people is as important to me for recovering from porn addication as education is itself. Therefor I will take time out of my schedule to do that. I deserve love and fun and happiness. I deserve love and fun and happiness.


20180826 - Tomorrow I will have completed 60 days of Project Fox and will have been 60 days without PMOing!


20180901 - both hugged me when I saw them having missed me so much...


This is something that I realized all of these things, that I would not treasure or feel as much was it not for the Project Fox.


20180925 - I'm on day 89. Tomorrow when I wake up I will have reached 90 days...


I'm so fricking excitied and pumped!

I wanted to show you how the reboot affected me by showing how my entries realating to reboot change and how I improved. I've improved in all areas of my life. I don't have enough time to journal all about it today but I will journal again the in the future.

I'm having to wrap this up, I've spent almost an two hours on this and I need to get going to bed.


However before I go I want to give you resources incase you want to quit pornography. 

http://nofapacademy.com/ <-- This one is definitly worth it. I'm almost thru the exercies and started them in July. Without this I wouldn't have gotten to the root of my pmo problem. I highly recommend it, without this I would never have discovered why I kept failing. Why I was bound to fail. This helped me unravel all the pain, fear and secrets that I had that I sometimes didn't even realize.

https://nofap.com/

https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/

Fortieth Ramble

OMG I got SNAT to begin becoming modulized! I got my LinkedList code and Node to be put in a seperate class and then I managed to import the LinkedList which means the user of the code doesn't even know that there is a Node class since that's abstracted!

YES, I'm finally able to break my code down and have it in multiple files. This will make it easier to work on each part of the project, along with setting clear boundaries between parts of the project.


Anyway I'm so happy, this is something that's been bugging me for close to two months!

Thirty Ninth Ramble

This has been a very busy time for me starting a new University experience.

I'm going thru alot of change and haven't had time to continue developing SNAT.

However, I am going to continue to develop SNAT and it's my goal to resume development of SNAT by this Saturday when I've gotten more used to University life and feel like I've regained control over my life again.


Here's the only major hurtle that I've reached with SNAT. 

In Java you're able to interact using command line input. I'm not sure if that's possible with JS, but I just realized that I  can use inputs thru windows just like JDialog in Java!


Wow, sometimes actually writing out the problem allows you to get the solution!


Anyway, that's it. I'll ramble again soon. 

Have an awesome life and keep going!

Thirty Eight Ramble

This ramble is on human kindness and my own mistakes.


I lost my phone earlier today and when I got home that's when I realized it. I launched find my samsung on my computer browser and tried to find it. It reported the device as offline. I tried ringing it. That was reported as offline. I then decided that I would do a partial retrace of my steps and hope to find it. It was when I was coming back from this partial retract that I realized with growing horror the mess I had gotten myself in. The reason that I coudn't locate my device was because of a firewall tool I was using called "No Root Firewall", the tool itself is great, just for people like me who don't understand all the services and which ones are safe to block it's not a good tool. I wasn't able to locate my device at all. I decided to check to see if I could locate it with google services. I was able to which was lucky because google had been smart enough to bundle their location and remote control services directly into google play which on most people phone would be granted mobile data and wifi access. (Which I did). So I went off to collect it and it was in a location I hadn't been. Turns out someone else had found it, emailed a message to the email address I had on the phone lock screen and then decided to drop it off at Verde Juice Bar.


I wanted to thank that person for being honest and kind and turning my phone in and thank google for designing idiot proof software so that I could recover my phone.

Thirty Seventh Ramble

What is good programming practices and ethics?


I recently met a person that for the sake of this post I'll call Steve. He's an all around great person except for one thing.

He want to sell software except with two major caveats:

    He doesn't really do any of the work, he just doles it out to programmers in other countries.

    Secondly it's designed in such a way that he'll still have a job, so it will automated other people's jobs but due to the complexity or something similar they will need to have him.


I think that's really bad, first of all having software that's designed to be confusing so that you need to stick around? That's locking people in because of need not want. Having people using your platform or software because it's the best, not because they can't migrate away from the platform because it was written poorly and in such a way that ensured your job security.


Unfortunatly, it's easier to compete by having clients locked into your software instead of your competitors and maintaining clients because your software is the only thing that can read their notes, than compete on quality and user experience.


So the moral of the story is develop software that competes on quality and user experience (like Standard Notes) and not because user's can't migrate away from it.

Thirty Sizth Ramble

Hey. Long time no see. 

First off, I'm really proud to have done programming almost every day of the summer. I'm also looking at starting a company but that's another problem and I'm getting ahead of myself.


Anyway, I got a the parts in place to begin building SNAT and have begun to do so. There are only a few problems that I have right now. 

First I'm taking the TDD approach (or trying to for the most part)

My code is getting very long and it's difficult having all my code into a single file. I haven't found a comprehensive way to "modulize" it like you do in Java or Python. UGH.


Second I'm bumping up inablity to navigate in certain parts of JS, however that just means I need to learn more which isn't a problem at all. You can check out my progress at https://github.com/sapphireloyalty/SNAT

However please ignore most of the files and just look at jsExecutor.html and DoublyLinkedList.js


By the way, if you want that DDL (the actual double linked list code) take it. That's something that I spent alot of time porting over from Java. That itself was fun. There are still a few many bugs but as long as no data that is passed is null or undefined it works for the most part. I understand how difficult it is to port now since you're not just porting the actual logic but porting to the different features of the languages. For example Java had a feature called "method overloading" which allowed you to have two methods with the same name as long as the parameters have different lengths, different data types or different order of the same data types.


JS doesn't have that and will accept something that's suppose to have three paramenters with no parameters and itself will pass the value "undefined" for all three. This makes error checking different than in Java, where Java enforces much more strictly regarding parameters and doesn't allow you to skip passing parameters to an object.


Anyway great to be back in the city. SN just keeps improving. Ramble later!


PS. Just realized the guest book feature. That's an awesome listed feature!


Thirty Fifth Ramble

                  _  /)
                 mo / )
                 |/)\)
                  /\_
                  \__|=
                 (    )
                 __)(__
           _____/      \\_____
          |  _     ___   _   ||
          | | \     |   | \  ||
          | |  |    |   |  | ||
          | |_/     |   |_/  ||
          | | \     |   |    ||
          | |  \    |   |    ||
          | |   \. _|_. | .  ||
          |                  ||
          |   Allen Denton   ||
          |                  ||
  *       | *   **    * **   |**      **
   \))ejm97/.,(//,,..,,\||(,,.,\\,.((//

Someone that I worked for died. He was approaching 93 this august. Very still with it. He will be missed.

Anyway, I got alot of programming done! 102 minutes!

I had trouble with Regex white space problem, took close to 45 minutes but I solved it. One of those great, great feelings! Anyone who's been stuck on a problem for a long time and finally gets it knows the type of feeling I'm talking about.

Now since I'm going to Maskwa this summer, the wifi will be bad. I'll only be able to upload once a week or so. However, expect a massive upload each week of code, journal and anything that I think is awesome or cool.

Anyway here's the amount of backlog code that I owe myself: 580 minutes.

I'll be back down to zero in 11 days. (I'll be doing an extra 45 minutes aday instead of 30 minutes.)

What else will I do with no internet. In a way no internet will mean that I will accomplish alot.

Anyway,
Stay awesome,
               
     )      (_
    ((    /{  "-;
     )).-' {{ ;'`
    ( (  ;. \
Sapphire 
BTW (That's a wolf.^^^)

Thirty Fourth Ramble

Hey, I've failed badly and not coded for several days.

I'll make it up and begin having my actions reflect my goals.


Anyway that means that I'm up to 517 minute of owed coding time.


I got 94 minutes done today. Learned about regex in Javascript.


Anyway,

That's it for me.


Stay awesome, I'll write alot more tomorrow.

Thirty Third Ramble

20180625

Hey! Good news, today I didn't rack up any more minutes. I managed to reach my goal of 90 minutes of programming. What's more I actually managed to do 1 extra minute. Doesn't sound like much but after the day I had, it's means alot symbolically. 

So currently I owe myself 251 minutes which will take 9 days to complete since I only work on 30 minutes max on backup work, (any more time and I would just be spinning my weels, not getting anywhere).


I went shopping today and visited my elderly neighboor who was in the hospital. I'm begining to plan for my university timetable which is exciting. In 3 days I'm going to be graduated which is something that I can't wait to get over with. I've been ready for a while.


I'm going to be able to look at the Simple Task list with more understanding within 2 weeks after I've completed the freecodecamp learning.


Anyway, 

that's it for today. I promise that one of these days I'll write about something that is slighty less on code and more about other things.


Sapphire

Thirty Second Ramble

I failed Project Fox yesterday. However, my streaks are now becoming six day streaks, so I'm failing less often which is good.

I got 1 hour and 18 minutes of programming done today! It felt good after going several days without coding. Currently I owe myself 252 minutes of makeup code. Assuming that I don't miss any more days, it will take me 9 days to drop back to 90 minutes coding sessions instead of 120 minutes.

Anyway, I'm back from my Thompson road trips, find the wolves was an awesome thing and one of those memories that I will treasure.

I didn't get as much programming done as I wanted today.

Sorry that this is such a short and useless entry.

Sapphire