Hey!!!! Today was an awesome day. I had a three hour mental downtime window where I wasn’t able to focus but compared to having 4 day mental downtime like I had earlier this month and multi month downtime in the past it was nothing at all!
So I believe that my addictive behaviours that I used to employ aggravated the situation a lot. Imagine it like so. The problem is like a beach ball, I’m trying to avoid the beach ball so I begin doing self damaging avoidance behavior like pornography, youtube binging, spending a lot of money on junk food that I wouldn’t eat. This would each add their own beach balls to the problem that are covering up the original problems. This cycle would continue with each cycle after that trying to avoid the disappointment, shame, disgust and self hatred that I had which would cause the cycle to repeat itself. Once the season passed, the original beach ball would disapear and the rest would sort of just collapse, having achieved the desired outcome in the worst possible way which was to avoid the negative feelings. Today I didn’t try to initially avoid them but I ended up reading dilbert mindlessly as I waited for it to pass along with installing VMWare Workstation Pro (which I’ll uninstall in the coming days).
However overall, I’ve only had three times that I’ve spent money when I wish I hadn’t. Totalling up to 25 dollars approximatly. Compared to last year and the year before hand where I spend much more closer to multiple hundreds of dollars on junk food. This year a few days ago, I got a subway that I partially stressed eated, partially eated it because I was hungry. The day after, I had the compulsion to go to a convenience mart on campus because historically, I would find temporary relief by buying many bags of chips and cookies and binging on some of it and throwing the rest away in self disgust and hatred. So I got there and instead of activating the old circutry all the way, I got veggies which I ate. So the convience mart served it’s purpose since you can’t replace a habit by a vaccuum, however you can replace the habit with something that is similar. Plus noone ever got fat from eating too many veggies! Finally, today I got fries, but stopped eating them when I began feeling quesy. Maybe I’m not used to deep fried things anymore! (If so that’s a good evolution!)