Sapphire

@Sapphire

My online name is Sapphire. I'm a programmer, scout, student and friend. 🐺I enjoy meditation, camping, programming, dreaming up new ideas/projects and experiencing this wonderful thing called life. 🐺I'm a currently recovering fapstronaut and 152 days. 🐺Finally, if you know who I am in really life, don't mention this blog. I do my best work when I don't know who's reading.

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20181212

 Today was a good day. I was nervous and exhausted and stressed that that’s never a good combo for me. I spent on three separate occasions. Tomorrow, my goal is to do no spending at all. Tomorrow is also a big day because it’s my last exam for this semester. Whatever happens tomorrow, I’ll have no more exams this semester.


A quick detour to talk about SNAT status and then I’ll talk about Therianthropy as I promised, the Therianthropy post may take a few days to full post so the posts in the meantime may be shorter as I focus my energy on that.


SNAT is going well. I’m 66% done SNAT Build 3 SubBuild 0. The last thing that I need to do is add an option to delete a task. However, my code is messy, so I’m using the next few days to re-factor my code so that it’s much more stable and have begun porting to the backend software. I’m well on schedule to be able to complete SNAT Build 3 SubBuild 0 by the end of this week. One thing that is frustrating is that in my modal dialog, the textEntry fields and dropdowns to line up on both ends. However, that’s a CSS problem and I’ll hopefully target that in Build 3 SubBuild 3 where I target bugs.


Anyway,

I’m signing this entry off early so I can begin writing the entry on Therianthropy, how it relates to my past and what it is exactly.

20181211

Hey! Today was an awesome day. I’m making good progress on SNAT. This entry will talk further about how today’s day went well and how it could be improved, SNAT, Project Fox, Aviators and Therianthropy.

Today was the day of my second exam and I did much better than I expected. I got that done, then spent the rest of the day, reading Dilbert comics, working out for an hour and approximately 90 minutes of SNAT. I also spent time with my brother trying to get a two player game installed, however no luck on that end either, he ended up watching me trouble shooting over and over. Next time I’ll opt for a multiplayer flash game to play with him. The main thing that I could have improved was that I ended up stress purchasing beef jerky in the morning pre exam and after my workout I ended up stress purchasing and consuming three bags of vegetarian jerky. (Better than you would believe, but after the first bag it combination of stress eating and mechanical attention to the food). I should have at that point, I should have terminated my school day and returned home. I would have saved 29 dollars. However, know that I know what to look out for I won’t make the mistake of stress purchasing again.

For SNAT, I’ve been writing the code in a simplier and easier to understand fashion, I’m attaching event handlers directly in the HTML which I know is bad practice but when I attach the event handler in CSS, it fires the event handler code upon creation. A weird bug that I’ll address soon. I appear to be on track with SNAT Build 3 SubBuild 0.

Project Fox is still going strong and I’ve not relapsed at all!

Aviators, it’s the dominate music that I listen to and the only artist that I currently listen. I’ve noticed a major improvement since his first album. I’m hoping to follow in his footsteps by making sure I release projects at a steady trickle. So that I am forced to learn new concepts and improve skills. Other than Mobitar, I believe currently that they two are the biggest influence and motivation in my life.

I’m not sure you know, but I used to be a Therian. This was awhile back. Therianthropy is the believe that you’re trapped in the wrong species. A group did research and discovered that it often faded around reaching adult hood. What causes it is currently unknown but I believe that in my case it served as a proxy to pain,when the pain of not knowing who I was or where I came from became to much to handle. I handled the pain, but since I wasn’t directly acknowledging the pain’s source it somehow made it easier to handle. However, Therianthropy disappeared along with my believe almost a year ago if not more like two. I’m not exactly sure why but I believe that when I was able to handle the pain directly, I no longer needed the safeguard of viewing the pain thru a proxy and thus Therianthropy faded. That didn’t make me a fake Therian, since Therian’s can arise from many different circumstances.

Sorry that the last part was dropped so quickly. I’ll over the next few days better explain what Therianthropy is.

Goodnight!
Tomorrow is my second last exam!

20181210

 Hey! Today was an awesome and tiring day. I’m going to talk mainly about how my day went, along with my final push and outline for SNAT.


Today was a great day, I got half an hour studying done in all of my subjects and had my Computer Science exam. I think I did pretty well and I’ll know my grades within the month. I have a Stat’s exam in the morning tomorrow, followed by a long mental break, workout, one hour of work total and then I’ll be ready for Wednesday.


Today I realized I’m adding onto my SNAT project before I’ve even finished build my current build. So I’ve decided that I’m going to add the extra feature that I want later on.

Rest of this week:

Build 3 SubBuild 0:

Migrate from a Message Boxed based interface to a dynamic HTML page based interface

Next week:

Build 3 SubBuild 1:

UI Addition to hide and clear completed (3 days)

Official support in saving and restoring data from local storage (1 day)

Build 3 SubBuild 2:

Introduce Subtasklist, Percentage, Start Date and Time, End Date and Time or All Day Option (2 days to introduce backend, 1 day to introduce frontend)

23rd to 29th:

Build 3 SubBuild 3:

Bug Fixes and Tidy Up (2 days)

Build 4:

Convert to SN Extension have option when in SN to dump JSON blob to note instead of local storage (5 days)

30th to 5th:

Build 5:

Create React Native FrontEnd

Setup classes in SNAT so that preexisting SN themes work (3 days)

Build 6:

Possibly Optimize for Mobile Experience or use as buffer time(2 days)

Build 7:

Change Data Storage so it’s partially compatible with Simple Task Editor (Bonus Feature (if time permits)

Releasing the extension officially on January 6th.

I was inspired by Aviators and how that they releases albums. I was getting to caught up with it being perfect, I can make it better if I have something out there that I can improve. Plus Aviators have improved over the years, they didn’t start out perfect. So I’m going to be releasing software at a 3 month iteration. This means that I’ll have to move fast and getting a minimally viable product to market often. I’ll also be exposing myself to new challenges much more frequently and as I improve I’ll be able to go back and improve my older software. Even if nobody other than me uses it, I will learn a lot.


Here’s my next two projects for SN that I be doing, one after the other.

SNACa (Standard Notes Advanced Calendar) Commencing January 8th and releasing the software on April 8th.

SNACo (Standard Notes Advanced Contacts) Commencing April 10th and releasing the software on July 10th.


Overall, the goal that I’m working towards is assisting in designing tools that eventually will allow SN to become some version of an encrypted application where each “editor” is a single page application.

20181209

Hey! Today was a tiring and mostly unproductive day. Starting tomorrow I have my first of four exams! Today I want to talk about three things:
• How my day went
• SNAT
• Genetic Manipulation
• Possible Summer Project

My day wasn’t that productive I had several mental panic attacks. I can only describe them as I lose access to anything acquired within the last years in terms of knowledge. This mental block currently seem impossible so I ended up spending the day either trying to bear it which was extremely exhausting, escaping by having short bursts of programming and reading Dilbert comics. However, I expect that as my level of exams go down and I actually experience my first exam my mental panic attack intensity will go down. I know logically that there’s nothing to fear and that even if I were to completely and utterly fail each and every exam that I would pass most of my classes. Worst off I know at least 50% of my content in each courses and could find a way to salvage the exam if I had a full blown multi hour mental panic attacks like I had today. However this isn’t the rational part of the brain that is causing this and all I can do is work thru it and when I can’t work thru it just wait patiently. It’s exhausting mentally for some part of my brain to cause full on mental panic attacks and I’ll have to tire out at some point.

SNAT is going really well, I discovered how to full implement dynamic clicking detection on dynamically generated elements and will be in the coming days working on setting up the dynamic generation of the page and having it work saving and retrieving data from local storage (for now). Mind you the buttons look horrible and I’m trying to work on avoiding buttons and just add event handlers to certain H1 or H2 elements. I discovered a cool way to dynamically generate HTML and do sudo dom manipulations on an object that acts like the dom. Once you’ve done all the manipulations of adding things to the sudo dom, you can add it to the actual dom or pass the sudo dom around so the appropriate methods can append and modify elements on the sudo dom. This means that the time taken to put things on decreases drastically and the user doesn’t really notice and difference from a standard webpage. Why is this better than a regular webpage? Because it makes it much easier to attach handlers and figuring out how to create the webpage. You can comment out the code that attaches the menu bar to the DOM or change code. If you really wanted to you could implement some sort of infinite undo/redo stream by periodically snapshotting the dom and storing it in local storage or remote storage.

I read in the paper today about a Chinese scientist having genetically modified human embryo's so that they were immune from a certain deadly disease. While if it actually works, is wonderful, raises a lot of ethical questions. Is it right to modify someone DNA? If something goes terribly wrong with the modification and the person develops a new type of disease or genetic issue because of modification who’s on the hook for that? Is it right to modify someone without their consent? If they can’t give consent what safeguards or safety nets will be in place to make sure that person lives the best life they could if they can’t function normally. Should they have the right to revert the genetic modification if they so choose? If so at what age? Humans can not be ever treated as lab animals and therefor should never be pressured in maintaining a genetic augmentation “for the greater good” that is either causing them serious problems and/or disabilities or they plain want undone regardless of the reason.

Finally, I have no experience or factual evidence backing up my possible claims or beliefs and therefor the above paragraph should be taken with the biggest grain of salt that you can find.

20181208

Hey, this is going to be an extremely short entry. I already wrote my entry once, but I lost it before I managed to copy it over into SN.

Overall, today was a 6-10 day. The last day and today I've had a difficult time focusing. I'm really tired and I'm so sorry for such a short and meaningless entry.

Here's what I did today, I went to a Stat's Final Exam Review session, worked out, did some math exam studying, had pizza for dinner and worked on click handling for SNAT.

Goodnight!

20181206

Hey! Happy Thursday!
I had a awesome but tiring day. I end up accidentally deleting an app, I still don’t know how I managed it, but I really wasn’t at all upset. I reinstalled and went on with my life. Nothing catastrophic happened at all. You know, sometimes I believe it would be so freeing to just let go of all the things that I’ve amassed in life, just start back at zero. Have enough money to get the essentials and work your way back from there. However, life’s not like that, and for reasons that I know aren’t valid, I’m still keeping data and old backups on my computer because I believe someday that I may end up needing them or that I’ll miss out somehow.

Maybe during the summer I’ll address this fear of accidentally deleting something that you don’t need in the 1 in the billion chance that you actually do need it ten years from now. Even then, I can only list two things that I may need 10 years from now. My resume and associated documents and my password manager, everything else I could just drop and never really worry about in the future. Maybe write an application that deletes fills that haven’t been touched for more than a year and deletes them silently. Since if I know what is being deleting I’m really likely to invent an excuse to hold onto it. But it would need some sort of way of specifying a small amount of files (less than ten) that are keepers regardless of when they were last opened.

So today is my second last day of school for this semester and I’m beginning the understand the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus part 1 and 2 which is really good!

I’m mentally exhausted so I’m done with writing any more today.

Finally as an afterthought, I'm getting to bogged down into designing my webbased ui for my application. I realized just now that I can get a functioning UI to market and at a later time perhaps work with a UI consultant or webdevelopers to design the frontend of the UI so that it looks presentable and stop wasting time on something that I'm not good at.

20181205

Hey! Today wasn’t the best of days. I’m having trouble understanding the difference between the fundamental theorem of calculus 1 and 2, along with having a bad surprise for my rewrite for my arts 1110 paper.

I solved the first problem by standing in an hour long line at the digital print and design center to order a tutoring book that explains the same concepts in different way. I really wish that I had discovered this math Problem yesterday so I could have stood in line for only 10 minutes. What made the line so long was that an engineering 4th year assignment was due and a lot of engineering students were printing out their mufti hundred page assignments.

I had a weird and tiring night of sleep. I had either my third or forth pornographic dream since I’ve begun rebooting. However, this is normal and over time should fade.

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it yet, but I’ve been having really weird emotional reactions, for example standing in the line at the digital design and print center, I had a mixture of extreme aggression coupled with the urge to flee. Obviously, I didn’t act on either but why did I have such a weird emotional feeling?

Anyway, tomorrow is my second last day of classes and it’s going to be full of a lot of Math and Stat’s which is the two subjects that I need to work the hardest in!

20181204

Hey! Today was an awesome day. I had multiple great things happen, got work on SNAT done along with wanting to talk about GPA and SI sessions.

Alright so first with the few great things that happened:
I got back my Arts 1110 second 1500 word essay and I improved a lot which is really great. Secondly, it was the last Arts 1110 lab and Aliya the lab TA, pulled me aside along with two other people and said because of how hard we’d worked and effort that we’ve shown that I could use her as a reference for Bursaries and Scholarships!

Second thing what that at the SI session for Stat’s, Vienna the SI leader reitterated that I would be a great SI leader and that she’ll put my name to the coordinator. This means that I have a possible job next semester or more likely in next year in University!

Thirdly, today was the last Math lab so that in a just over a week from now I’ll be having a Math test and be finished with school for the first semester.

However, not just great things happened, I had a mental attitude shift that’s really going to help me. You see, I’m going to be asking the Faculty of Science if it would be possible to have a dual major in Computer Science and Chemistry. This is because I’m interested in augmentation, and AI and hoping to connect the two things togeather. So I was for the last couple of days stresssing that I dislike math because of the proofs and other difficult material. Why isn’t there something easier? I’m not going to use this anyway right? I don’t know what came over me but I realized that I had two futures in front of me, one where I shyed away from anything that I really wanted to do, stay on the path expected for me and do what a normal person does and have a partially fulfilling life. The second is to go after what I really want to do which is artificial intelligence and augmentation. My goal is to perhaps have AI running on the human brain providing some sort of internal secondary intelligence or something similar. I’m afraid that people are going to treat me as thought they think I’m crazy. Now that I’m typing this out I couldn’t care less what other people thing of what I do. I’ve always been interested in augmentation, trans-humanism and the possibility of AI and humans running on the same hardware, either the human’s hardware or the computers hardware.

So you know what? I’m going to shoot for my goal, if I fail, at least I will have failed the best possible way. I’m not going to let fear stop me. I didn’t let it stop me today when I did something I was afraid that I wasn’t going to be able to complete in the gym. I’m certainly not going to let it stop me from pursing what I want in life, the type of future that I want.

That felt good to get that out in the open.

To finish up this journal entry I want to talk about someone that I like and admire at school. His name is Wynand and he’s the co president of UMDevClub, I probably spelled his name wrong. Anyway last Saturday as I told you we had a MLH hackathon at the UofM. Wynand didn’t think of himself or try to get his own project done, instead he teamed up with people who had never been to a hackathon or who were just starting out programming. He made sure that they who were new were having fun and feeling like part of a team. That was such a nice and touching and if I see someone who looks alone or unsure of themselves the next time I go to a hackathon,I’m going to plop myself down next to them and make sure that I follow Wynand’s example.

Today I’m at 159 going onto 160 days. Around the 180 mark or perhaps new year!(so in twently days or so, I’ll be posting a really big entry that I’ll be working on every day from tomorrow until 180 to celebrate almost half a year of no porn and a new me!

20181203

Hey! I had a awesome day. 4 more days of classes and four exams and I’m done school for awhile and can really focus on SNAT.

Anyway before I forget, I’m slightly interested in a piece of hardware called “remarkable” which uses eink. I’m interesting in using it for possibly university, but first of all it’s extremely expensive around 900 dollars and second of all there’s research that shows pen and paper is the best way of taking notes. Maybe someday I’ll see if I can create something similar with off the shelf technology that’s way cheaper.

Anyway, I didn’t have the best of sleeps but it wasn’t the worst one either. I had an awesome workout and tomorrow I’m going to be doing 8 * 1 KM biking sprints which is scary but also exciting. Today I discovered a better way to allocate my mental resouces so that I’m able to maintain my net focus at the same amount and have the quality of the net focus remain more consistent. I’ll do anywhere from 20-30 minutes in a subject in all the subjects, then work out and take approximately 1.5 to 2 hour mental break and then do approximately 15 minutes in each subject upon return from the mental break. This will be the max until after early January.

I’ve been thinking about AI and genetic ethics. Is it right for someone such an an organization or individual entity to create life that has an artificially expiry built in? I don’t think so, because what gives us the right to decide how long does life that we’ve created live and die by? However I realize after saying this that my argument is flawed. With farming, the animals and plants. we decided how long they will live and when and how to kill them. We’ve genetically altered seeds to be terminator seeds. So my argument that it’s not right because of some moral or non logical reason doesn’t stand up. I’ll have to think about this.

20181202

Hey!
Sorry for not writing the past couple of days, my days have been busy and tiring. Part of that tiredness is self inflicted which I’ll explain in a moment. The rest is seasonal and will fade shortly.
I wrote a journal entry yesterday and whenever I have time I’ll upload it.

So today was an awesome day as always. Yesterday I went to a hackathon and learned a lot more about building SNAT using the Simple Task Editor as my template and modifying code, however, I ended up breaking things and didn’t know how the prop’s worked so that end was a bust. I’m going to be downloading the sn-bridge-api and figuring out how to make SNAT work from there. I did learn how to properly and dynamically return a UI element in HTML, along with the relevant CSS.

So after today I’ll have five more days of classes and then I have my four exams and then I’m done school until January!

So this week, Wednesday was a Dev Club meeting and afterwards I went with Wynand and two other people to Palatal express and we talked about code and other interesting things. Then Thursday I learned about Progressive Web Apps and Juypter Notebooks, Friday was a Hackathon preevent and Saturday was the Hackathon which lasted eight hours. All these nights I got home just in the time for Bed, except for Friday when I got home 20 to eleven. Anyway, I’m going to be catching up on sleep and after five more days I’ll have made it thru first semester of University!

I had a dream last night about Maskwa it was partially panicked and partially soothing. I don’t have dreams often so I’ll recount this one. I was helping Ken fix things arounds his house along with something that was a Furnace. Sometime during the time, Mackenzie walked in (his house?) and talked about how she needed a personal chef. Ken was telling me that I could work with him until the Summer on the weekends, but since the budget was cut, I wouldn’t be able to work at Maskwa during the summer. The calming thing was that I was back at Maskwa and Ken and Mackenzie was there. The frightening things was that he was telling me that he couldn’t hire me to work during the summer and that I could instead work during the weekends of the School year which I can’t because my parents wouldn’t be willing to spend two hours driving me to and from Maswka every weekend.

20181127

 Hey. Wasn’t able to do any SNAT programming, had a mentally exhausting day so I decided it was better not to waste my time writing shitty code that I would look at later and end up deleting anyway. Instead I tried playing a game but I was too tired really for even that. Anyway, tomorrows going to be another awesome day!


Today was awesome and here’s why:

  • I did my final Math Term Test

  • I had an awesome workout

  • I got in half an hour of work that I wasn’t expecting to be able to do

  • I had some insights into defining some terminology along with creating more questions

  • Future idea for SN


So I did my final Math Term test, I’m not sure how well I did but I’m optimistically expecting 80% grade on the test. I know I had trouble in two parts but combined I think I would have only (hopefully) lost only twenty percent at most.


I had an awesome workout and did running for the second day in the row, I think I need to back off on running because today my running wasn’t as good as yesterdays and I need to give my legs a chance to rest. Other than that my back began hurting which was odd but I back off from the upper body weights and will switch to a different workout plan that doesn’t put strain on the back.


I got half an hour of work done that I wasn’t expecting because I ran on schedule which was surprising because I usually can run up to half an hour behind on my own schedule. But it’s good because I wouldn’t have had another chance to get the Arts 1110 work that I needed done for that day.


I had three insights into words that I believe will become more commonplace within the next 25 five years.

  • Hybrid

  • Partial

  • Cyborg

Cyborg is self explanatory, it’s an entity that is part biological and part non biological examples included from almost any sci fi movie you care to watch.


Partial an entity that after conception has had it’s DNA or equivalent modified.


Hybrid is an entity that preconception has had it’s DNA or equivalent modified.

Common examples of hybrids are some breeds of dogs. This raises another question which is when an entity is defined as being a hybrid, when should it no longer be called a hybrid?


The final part of my entry was an idea for SN. Developing layed encryption that is stack-able so that the data can be encrypted with multiple different encryption plugins before being finally encrypted with the standard encryption. However I’m not sure that I’ll ever pursue such a project myself and if I was it’s a few years down the road or more accurately 5+.

20181126

 Today was a great day. Here’s what happened that made it great:

  • I got the most amount of studying done since the beginning of November

  • Got better at graphing functions

  • Worked on SNAT

  • Had an acquaintance ask if I wanted coffee

  • Cleaned up my email (Didn’t get too.)

Here’s what I wish I did differently about my day:

  • Interaction with Yan (Didn’t get too.)


I believe what made my studying more effective and was able to get done 3 hours and 15 minutes compared to my normal 2 hours is that I did half an hour studying in each subject, then worked out and then did half an hour studying in the remaining subjects. However with Math the second time, I only did 15 minutes and didn’t touch on computer science again after the first half hour chunk. This is really good that I’ve found a way to increase my studying time and compensate for my mental difficulty during this time of year. I may actually continue a variation of this after my mental difficulty disapears during early January.


I’ve been having trouble graphing graphs accurately like (x^2 -3x)/(X^2 -4) including the using the first and second derivative test! (About time too, I have my final Math Term test tomorrow, I’m nervous because I don’t know the theorems or proofs at all well, but I’ll manage.)


I was able to get 29 minutes of work on SNAT today! I’m write now paper coding/planning which is really hard, but once I get thru this, the application will basically write itself. I’ve only ever done this once before and the application that I was writing turned out beautiful. That’s because of preplanning and realizing that you’re deciding exactly what each section of your code works, what relies on what etc.


I had an acquaintance ask while I was studying if I wanted Coffee. This was somebody that I’ve meet in engineering. He’s the father of two children and taking engineering which is just incredible! Anyway, I was touched that he considered me enough of a friend to ask if I wanted coffee when he went to Tim’s. You see I have trouble making friends so every friend I make is really really awesome!


Anyway I ran out of time so I won’t be able to touch on the other two topics.

20181125

 Hey! Sorry that I didn’t write yesterday. Mentally I’ve spiralled downwards but it appears to only have been for three days!After today I’ll be back to normal for this season. Overall this is really good. This is only the third time that this sort of mental embargo has happened in this season.


Obviously, I didn’t get any schoolwork done and I’m too tired to really do any more things today. I’ll after I journal make my plan of attack for tomorrow and in the morning do what I needed to do tonight.


So here’s how my day went (it was fun by the way). We had a UMSAT’s meeting and learned about FreeRTOS and how to write tasks for it. We learned how to use mutex’s and how mutex’s actually work. However, using a mutex is a rather tedious process where you first check to see if the mutex variable isn’t equal to null, then you have the function block for a up to a predefined time to see if it can aquire the mutex. If it does, run one set of code that involves the protected data and then release the mutex, if it doesn’t do something else or wait. Then have the function go to sleep for a set period of time so that other functions can do work. However the only thing that really changes what was code was exactly run to upon acquisition of the mutex. So perhaps objectifying the acquisition of the mutex and pass in another object that contains the actual individual varying code per situation?


Anyway, I’m getting distracted.

So what we did was create three tasks that did the following every 1 second:

Add even number to array

Add odd number to array

Print out array.

I used mutex’s to all things, but really you only needed mutex whenever you’re modifying the array’s content, for reading you don’t need a mutex but it’s not wrong to use one.


In the late afternoon, I went to Across the Board and meet up with fellow scouts and we played different board games.


I’m hoping to get some SNAT development done in the coming days. However my priorities in descending order are:


Take care of myself mentally and physically

School

SNAT


SNAT is very important but in order for me to do a good job, I need to make sure that everything else is going well.


PS, I made it to 150 day mark for Project Fox!


20181123

Hey! This is going to be my first entry that I’ve done while on a bus. I’ll be pushing it to the server upon wifi. Anyway today was a great day! I got math, stats (somewhat) done. I’m very excited for tomorrow since tomorrow is the last 24 hours before I’ve gone 150 days exactly without pornography, binging on junk food, binging in internet, youtube etc. I’m very proud of myself.


This evening I went with Yan to watch a Harry Potter movie called “The Crimes of Grindelwald”. The most interesting part was the creatures that they CGI’d in. Also it was really nice to have the theory that Nagini was a person. I’d read a little bit of fanfiction because it made possible sense, but it’s good to know for sure!


Here’s an insight that is obvious but was still an insight for me, paid software is much better. Looking between VMWare and Virtualbox. This is one of the reasons that SN I believe will do well, because it has paid services that can support development of the software.


I’ve begun doing a different type of workout that focuses on building strength which is going to be fun.

I’m tired which is the reason that I’m not writing as much in a coherant manner. Tomorrow or the day after tomorrow my sleep will begin to improve along with the quality of my journal entries.

20181122

Hey!!!! Today was an awesome day. I had a three hour mental downtime window where I wasn’t able to focus but compared to having 4 day mental downtime like I had earlier this month and multi month downtime in the past it was nothing at all!


So I believe that my addictive behaviours that I used to employ aggravated the situation a lot. Imagine it like so. The problem is like a beach ball, I’m trying to avoid the beach ball so I begin doing self damaging avoidance behavior like pornography, youtube binging, spending a lot of money on junk food that I wouldn’t eat. This would each add their own beach balls to the problem that are covering up the original problems. This cycle would continue with each cycle after that trying to avoid the disappointment, shame, disgust and self hatred that I had which would cause the cycle to repeat itself. Once the season passed, the original beach ball would disapear and the rest would sort of just collapse, having achieved the desired outcome in the worst possible way which was to avoid the negative feelings. Today I didn’t try to initially avoid them but I ended up reading dilbert mindlessly as I waited for it to pass along with installing VMWare Workstation Pro (which I’ll uninstall in the coming days).


However overall, I’ve only had three times that I’ve spent money when I wish I hadn’t. Totalling up to 25 dollars approximatly. Compared to last year and the year before hand where I spend much more closer to multiple hundreds of dollars on junk food. This year a few days ago, I got a subway that I partially stressed eated, partially eated it because I was hungry. The day after, I had the compulsion to go to a convenience mart on campus because historically, I would find temporary relief by buying many bags of chips and cookies and binging on some of it and throwing the rest away in self disgust and hatred. So I got there and instead of activating the old circutry all the way, I got veggies which I ate. So the convience mart served it’s purpose since you can’t replace a habit by a vaccuum, however you can replace the habit with something that is similar. Plus noone ever got fat from eating too many veggies! Finally, today I got fries, but stopped eating them when I began feeling quesy. Maybe I’m not used to deep fried things anymore! (If so that’s a good evolution!)


Goodnight!

20181121

I’m dealing with some problems that I didn’t realize that I was self sabotaging in until I spoke to my mom and at that point as I was talking I realized that I was self sabotaging. It’s regarding graphing a function with domain, x and y ints, symmetry, min and max points (first derivative test), second derivative test, points of inflection and then graphing the entire thing. So now that I realize it fully, I can but an end to this destructive behavior because it’s making me stressed unnecessarily because it is self inflicted harm.


Other than that my day went really well. I received a text from Yan yesterday talking about how he had read my dad’s book and that he was just like me with his own hurts and trauma. That got me thinking, Yan had seriously abusive parents, a friend of mine is dealing with the fallout of being raped, another friend of mine has the fear that he’s going to fuck up so badly that he’ll be abandoned by everyone he loves. As my aunt says, everyone has a story. You can’t always see it. So I try to live with this mentality and when some is rude or something similar to just remember that they’re probably having a rough day.


I’m going work on SNAT tomorrow. I decided to watch part of Rat race.


Anyway, I’m tired and still need to plan tomorrow so I’m signing off for today.

20181120

I’ve been really tired in the evening which is fine. I just need to plan accordingly. If I don’t have a sufficient plan, I end up eating lazyly and spending time looking at some comics like Dilbert, XKCD and Garfield. Not a bad way to end an evening at all! But considering how tired I feel, prioritizing my sleep until I begin sleeping better which will improve again after the 23rd would also be a worthy goal.


I wanted to talk about one thing,  Yan’s idea on how to delete a root node and my reaction to it.


So it was yesterday that I meet Yan for an hour and we talked about his code and his learning. Looking back I’m not all that proud of some of the interactions that I had with him. I was trying to emulate the type of positive reinforcement and gentle correction of ideas to something that works. However, it went south almost right away when he was talking about how to delete a root node in a binary tree. I said you need to just shift one of the nodes to become the root. He said that is too complicated and that if you select either the rightmost leaf on the left side or the leftmost leaf on the right side and set it as a root node that would be the simplest. Here’s the part that really upset me, instead of just saying “Wow, I’d never thought of it like that, it’s brilliant!” - which is what I should have said and would have been supportive, I somehow felt the need to correct and insist for a long while that my more complicated (and probably very buggy method) was better, for a bullshit reason that I’m not even going to do bother mentioning. Very quickly I realized that I was being stupid and probably very mean without meaning to be. I apologized and told him, yes, this is a great idea. Better than mine. However looking back I realized that for some reason, I had trouble accepting that someone with only a few months of experience could have a better idea than me. Which really doesn’t make sense for me, because I usually don’t have a problem accepting ideas regardless of who they come from.


I’ve learned from my mistake and am going to be extra supportive and really careful before I provide any verbal feedback to Yan since I don’t want to make this type of mistake again.

20181119

Hey! Today was a great day. I’ve continued planning SNAT. I’m working on the UI component and am actively resisting the impulse to make it more complicated than nessary for a possible condition that I may in a few years decide to implement or need. But it’s really simplifying my planning, not just that, having a simple system I’m finding harder to design than a complex one. With a complex one, I give each class a host of unessary and often poorly thought out and often redundant function. Instead of a class that’s just responsible for one thing, I design the class so that it morphs into being responsible into more than one thing along with error checking, unnecessarily powerful methods, overally defensive programming etc.


Today was the first day after break week and I had a really productive day. I didn’t expect to conk out at 2 hours and 15 minutes but I shouldn’t be surprised since that’s 3 * 45 minutes. I’ll work back up to 1 hour at each subject but right now I’m not overall concerned with my study time. I’m doing well and having a bit less time means I have to be even more productive than I usually am! I was mentally exhausted and couldn’t really focus,after the two hour and fifteen minute mark. So I put my stuff away and did low key thinkgs on my laptop before on a whim heading to the library housed at Machray hall at UofM. I got out two books on AI that I’ll be reading slowly over the coming days.


Today on the bus coming home an interesting event happened! About 5 kids my age got on and proceeded to hand out these tiny slips of paper that I believe was LSD micro dose or something similar. At first I was thinking that’s so bad, why would you do drugs? But I realized that I wasn’t in a position to judge, having achieved a similar effect with pornography. However the biggest lessons that I learned from pornography, is that your pain and problems don’t magically go away or solve themselves, they stagnate and wait for you. Once your ready to face them day in and day out for a long duration, do they become less painful and less destabilizing.


Goodnight!  

20181118

Today was an amazing day. I got my school work done, I played monopoly with Michael, I went thru a lot of my old journal entries, I went to a Venturer meeting and had a really great meditation.


The schoolwork I’m back to normal on which is a really really really great feeling. I got Math, Stat’s and Arts 1110 work done and didn’t need to do any computer science since I’ve finished that. Not having four 30 minute chunks and instead having 3 45 minute chunks work much better, I feel that I learn much more and I’m not at all as tired!


In the afternoon I played monopoly with my brother Michael. I thought that I was winning and that I was at several points taking advantage of his position at having less properties but he ended up winning! He’s really bright, but he’s also often asks other people to do tasks for him so it seems like he’s lazy. However, he’s anything but stupid. I thought that I was playing him and instead he was playing me!


At our household we have a jar that anytime something good happens, we write it on a sheet of paper along with the date and put it in the jar. At the end of the year we’ll read all the slips of paper and remember how many good things happened to us throughout the year. It is a really neat concept and today I went thru my old journal entries and traced back whenever I mentioned a good thing and put them on a slip of paper. When you look back at the year you’ll realize how many good things happened that you’d forgotten!


Our group of Venturers has a sub committee that’s in charge of planning an artic challenge camp. I attended a meeting tonight to plan the macro details and begin figuring out the type of questions we need to be asking ourselves in order for this camp to be the type of camp that we want it to be. We’re going to have an expert come out for twenty four hours and teach us survival skill. We’re not exactly sure what yet, but some ideas included are trapping, snowshoeing, winter shelters, surviving with what you normally have for a few days.


Since I walked to and from the meeting, I had a half hour walk both ways. I don’t listen to music and about ten minutes into the walk on each way, I had times of absolute peace and stillness where I stopped thinking and just starting existing, simply existing without thought. It was a really great feeling

20181117

Hey! I had a great day. Got almost all my work I needed done. Spent time hangout out with my family and generally in a very happy mood.

I’m going to talk about Truth and Lies, Coping Strategies, Minecraft.


So during this time of year it’s historically hard for me. The last few days I’ve been doing really really well which is surprising but also really good! Perhaps this is an evolution? I have a few guesses if it were caused by, but they are wild guess.

1. I’m no longer buying junk food and secretly consuming it.

2. I’m no longer wasting massive amount of time on electronic viewing items like YouTube or other services. I actively avoid those sites.

3. I’m much more connected socially.

4. I’m actively spending time with my family.

5. I’m not using PMO’ing as a means to escape.

6. I’m having long term project to focus on thru short term difficulties.


However, the above changes could just be correlation and not causation. Either way I’m extremely happy, for the most part relaxed and close to stress free!


So Truth and Lies, they are a coping stratigie that I use to manage hard times. I have negative messages that used to play. Messages such as “I don’t deserve fun and love and happiness”, “My family will abandon me” and “I’m worthless”. Recently they’ve begun surfacing again which I believe is due to the massive stress that starting university was. Because starting university paralleled too closely to being moved to an orphanage. Mind you this was the PTSD part of me that viewed it like that. I was fine with it.


Coping strategies are meditate, journal and plan day but don’t worry about staying directly on schedule, so be flexible in my planning and administration of my day.


I’ve been getting recently back into MineCraft yet at the same time I’m not sure that I’m really really into it, but into it enougth that I want to play it with friends. I much rather spend the same amount of time programming but after I’ve done an hour of programming, it’s better to do something social like hangout with my friend Duncan and play minecraft, then waste the next hour doing fruitless code.