Monsieur Glibbs

@MonsieurGlibbs

I love the IDEA of blogging.

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Margo's Quote of the day

Me (when I see the mush Margo made of her ice cream): "You're gross."
Margo: "YOU'RE gross! You take pills because you poop too much."

Cabin Fever over winter break

The kids didn't have any daycare lined up on the first week of winter break, so I took four days to work from home. I warned them that I actually have to do work, and since it's below zero all week and I don't have much money because of the holidays- we would be sitting around inside most of the time. They didn't seem to care. Any chance they can get to just lay around and be on their phones, they take it. I invited my niece over one day to break up the monotony, and we made a trip to Ikea on another. But that wasn't enough. By the third night we were all driving each other crazy. Margo had a sleep over so it was just Audrey and I sitting in the livingroom. She was on her phone and I was watching T.V..

Then, out of nowhere, Audrey looks up from her phone and just stares at me. I figured she was going to ask me something, so I looked back. We spent about 5 seconds staring at each other. Dead in the eye. Not saying a word. Then, she looked back down at her phone and I turned back to the T.V..

I thought, "My God, she's going to kill me in my sleep."

Margo's Quote Of The Day

After watching hours of "Brain Games" on Netflix where they talk about what makes people attractive to each other:

Margo: "Dad- I know why your single!"
Me: "Ugh. What now."
Margo: "You're fat, and your face is all out of proportion!"

My Daughter is Swearing Now

When my kids were born, I had to break the habit of swearing. It was hard because I've been doing it since the third grade and I'm really good at it. My friend Jon and I would sit on top of the monkey bars during recess and try to come up with the most offensive combination of 'swears'. It took until high school before I realized the subtlety of offending someone. It wasn't about the offensive words themselves, but the picture you paint for them. I felt like a retiring prize fighter when Audrey was born.

She got in the car last week when I picked her up from skiing and announced that she officially swears now. Boy was I excited. I have spent the last twelve years being scolded if I accidently said the word "hell". She said that she had tried to hold off for as long as she could, but everyone she knows swears, so she finally gave in. Which is amazing. She's in the seventh grade. Maybe growing up in a crappy neighborhood gave me the edge I needed to be as good at it as I am now. I asked her what the worst word she knows was. She said, "The F word." I told her that she has to actually say the word now. She did. I told her to do it twelve more times. It was weird to hear her little voice laughing while saying fuck.

I made dinner while the two of them laid around on the couches and watched T.V. Margo, who still refuses to swear, needed a pair of scissors to open something so Audrey got up and looked in a drawer. I could hear her digging around for a while, and right when I leaned out from the kitchen to ask what she was looking for, I could hear her mutter the word "shit" in her tiny voice. It's weirdly jarring. She said it in the same crabby tone that my mom would have. I said, "What the fuck are you looking for?" and Margo was shocked. I tried to remind her that this is a swearing house now. But she didn't seem to like that. I asked Audrey if I was going to get nicknames now like "pencil dick". She said no. My first night of a swearing kid wasn't going as smoothly as I always imagined.

Last night, while Margo sat in her room facetiming with a friend, Audrey and I watched more episodes of "Riverdale". Audrey and I absentmindedly traded insults. She called me things like "divorcemen" and I called her "turd face". I had hoped for so much more from her, but there we were. Throwing the same insults back and forth that we had for the last twelve years. I stood up to get some chips and said, "Well, you have butts for legs." Then, started dancing with my arms flailing around like I was at a rave. She laughed with her little, squinty eyes and quietly said, "What the fuck are you doing?" More to herself than to me. It was cute. It's going to be a slow road, but we'll get there eventually.