Eulalie

@Eulalie

A seventeen year old girl writing too much

9,684 words

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Old blog

I haven't written anything because I started a new blog. But I don't like it.

Nothing will ever compare to Anonyme.com. It was a blogging site that mysteriously shut down one day. I just spent 2 hours scouring the way back machine trying to find any of my old posts. All I found was the fragment of a sentence:
"When I think back to grade 6, it seems like a different person. I had weird hair, wore colourful clothes, and was quite outgoing. I know, it can't be me right?!?! In just 2 years..."
That was it. I clicked on the username, DakotaKingsley, and nothing came up. I searched and searched - nothing. That sentence is all that remains.
The community on that platform was amazing. It was just lost people writing anything and everything. Anonymously. You could browse, comment, follow, message, tag... it was perfect. I poured my heart out on that website from grades 7 to 9. I had favourite bloggers who I engaged with regularly, and some followed my blog too.
There was a stripper telling tales of her trade,
A man looking for a girlfriend,
A woman suffering from depression who got pregnant,
A boy who liked to write dark poetry,
A man who had a affair with a prostitute
And money more stories. People wrote about their fears, sex lives, relationships, work, ideas, life in general. There were 12 years olds and 50 years olds. I'd receive comments asking me questions or giving me advice, I'd comment of other people's posts too. It was a magical website.
Then one day I clicked the link and it was gone. I think it was the summer between 9th and 10th grade. No time for goodbyes to my followers or friends. No updates. No answers. I was sorely disappointed, and still am. What I wouldn't give to get a chance to read my old blog! Just 1 more day on the site!
Since anonyme I've had many blogs on various other websites like tumblr and this site, but it's never been close to the same. Sad.

5am Alarm

I've always been an extreme morning person, and have jumped out of bed at 7am regularly for most my life. Recently I became inspired to set my alarm further back to 5am, and it has really changed my life. I get so much work done, I plan my day, I can shower and make myself a nutritional breakfast instead of cheerios. Tomorrow I'm going to head off to Tim Hortons at 5:30 and do some serious week planning and homework before school. I feel like I've added extra days to my life. I've at least added 3 extra hours to my day.
I'd highly recommend waking up at 5am. There's also something really fulfilling about being awake and doing all these productive things before the sun or anyone else has risen yet. I call it doing 6 impossible things before breakfast.
I manage 7 hours and 30 minutes of sleep a night. I get into my bed at 9pm and spend 20 minutes on my phone, then I shut the thing off at 9:20 and make sure to fall asleep by 9:30. I also take one 20 minute nap at 4:30pm sometimes during the day, since I am awake for almost 17 hours and all. I feel amazing, I don't think I've ever been this productive in my life!

Valentines Day

I parked in front of Adrian's house to pick him up for our low maintenance valentines date to Tim Hortons, and this boy came out of his house in a suit and tie carrying an armful of roses and chocolate. I had told him the valentines budget was $3 but the bastard didn't listen.
I really don't deserve him sometimes... because I think buying flowers is stupid and I threw them in a trash can on the way home from the date because I was too stubborn to let my dad see them (but I won't tell Adrian this).
I bought him Tim Hortons and pulled three battery powered candles out of my old cloth backpack and decorated the car's dashboard with candles and roses. I was wearing the only dress I own, a plain black slip that I've had since 7th grade and only worn about twice before. I'd put on makeup too, something I haven't done in forever.
It was a cute date idea, I'll be honest. We sat in our favourite empty parking lot on the edge of an escarpment overlooking the city, the interior of my car decorated in cheesy valentines things and illuminated by the artificial flickering of my fake dollar store candles. We drank bitter Timmie's coffee in our fancy date attire and talked about nothing as we watched the city's lights go out one by one.
At around 11:30pm we walked to this one spot in the woods with an amazing view of the city. But it's not just that, it's the spot we used to sit at for hours on end before I had a car, back in grades nine and ten before we were dating or even having sex. That spot is charged with memories, so we placed a rose in one of the trees and sat there just as we used to do before the cold starting numbing our fingers and we retreated back to the car's heated seats.
He told me he's thinking about joining the army because he doesn't think his mental health is good enough to get through enough school to be a police officer. That makes me sad. His dad is also threatening to kick him out of the house, which isn't doing the whole mental health situation much good. And while he was telling me this I couldn't help thinking about my impending departure from this city next September.

What will we do without each other? I'll survive fine, I'll have university to distract me and I'm just in a better place than Adrian is. I hope Adrian finds something to busy himself with when I am gone. By next year's valentines day I will be halfway through my first year of university, and who knows who I'll be spending it with.

Valentines day 2019 has proven to be a day I'll remember. It was really amazing.

Dorm stuff

The university I'm going to has single dorm rooms with a semi private bathroom. So basically you're room is completely separate (no roommates!)and you have an attached bathroom that 1 other person (who also has a single room on the other side) has access to. But the bathroom doors lock and are exactly like the front door, so you don't have to worry about you're bathroom mate having access to your room.

These "premium singles" are a lot more expensive than the more traditional room mate and communal washroom set ups, but honestly so worth it. They also have double beds instead of a twin, and have an amazing view of the water.

Thing is, residence rooms are assigned on a first-come first-serve basis. Since I got early admission and the uni is fairly small, I think I have a good shot at getting the singles if I sign up as soon an possible. I'll definitely update. If I don't get into the premium singles they do have other single rooms, but they have c o m m u n a l p u b l i c w a s h r o o m s D: and they are much farther away from the science buildings, where most of my classes would be.
I am crossing my fingers, toes, legs, arms - everything - to get into those rooms.

Being the anxious perfectionist that I am, I have already started compiling a list of things I need for move in day:

For Uni:

  • Trash can
  • Laundry basket
  • Comforter, pillows and sheets
  • Clothing hangers
  • Desk lamp
  • Towels
  • Shower tote
  • Dishes + utensils
  • Blankets
  • Winter coat/winter stuff
  • Scissors
  • Cough/cold/flu medicine
  • Extension cords
  • Shampoo and Conditioner
  • Dry shampoo
  • Nail stuff
  • Face wash
  • Kleenex/paper towels
  • Trash bags
  • Lysol wipes/cleaning supplies
  • Umbrella
  • Mirror
  • Laundry detergent
  • Rug
  • Keurig
  • Fridge
  • Microwave
  • Chargers
  • Brita filter
  • Heated blanket

My dad's friend has a daughter who recently dropped out of uni, and they generously gave me the mini fridge she bought. I am going to paint it yellow!

Religion

I don't believe in religion. I don't believe in anything supernatural.
To be completely insensitive, how can people believe in hocus pocus that has never been seen or proven? How can they believe so hard that they build their whole lives around it?
We have all the answers. Well, maybe not concrete answers about things like where did we come from, but we have way more evidence for evolution and the big bang theory than we do of god. We have exactly 0 pieces of evidence of god. We actually have evidence against religious beliefs: they don't fit into anything we know about reality. God does not make scientific sense.

I used to think I'd never understand how people can believe in something so ridiculous, but now I think I do. I believe it's fear and loss. We are so scared of what happens when we die, so believing that you will continue in heaven is such a relief that you hold on to it for dear life. Death is the ultimate horror, if you put a gun to my head you bet this devote agnostic would probably start praying. Religion is a powerful coping mechanism.
And it is useful for loss as well. I've never lost anyone close to me except for one family dog. She died 3 years ago, and it was very sudden (heart attack at just 9 years old). I was such a sobbing and heartbroken mess that when my dear teacher was comforting me with "she's in heaven, a better place, running and chasing sticks" I wanted to believe her with all my heart. I think I did let myself believe for a moment, just to ease the pain. So I can't imagine the pain of losing a person, I think that would be far more than enough to make someone believe in an afterlife. We can't deal with death, even if it's not our own.

My father and I don't believe in anything, but my mother is a little bit superstitious. She likes to read stories about "miracles" and buy books that I think are psychic shams. When we talk about religion she get's incredibly fed up with me, and always ends up yelling "yOu nEed tO kEep aN oPeN mInD!" when she can't seem to defend any other point. That's alright, we can agree to disagree.

What do I think happens when we die? I think death is exactly what it looks like. My dead dog's corpse on the living room floor, or brain matter spilled from a skull on the freeway. Gone, a sack of flesh and bones. A person ceases to exist just as they did before they were born. All we are is matter and signals in our brains, our personalities hold no greater weight and we are arrogant to think that they do. The thought of nonexistence is almost too much for our minds to fathom, and that is was you call an evolutionary adaption. Our fear of death is what pushes us to survive, and religion is a coping mechanism born from that very adaption.

There are only 2 genders

At least I believe that to be true.

My school is known in my city for being very gay. We have our own pride parade, gender neutral washrooms and rainbow signs everywhere. I'm not really into that scene anymore. I used to be super involved in grade 9 when I went through a veeery cringe "bisexual phase." Ugh...

I totally believe that homosexuality is valid, I think it's a spectrum and the only true sexualities are straight, bisexual and homosexual. Ah, and aromatnic/asexual, since I am aromantic myself.
But pansexual, demisexual and others? Nah, I think that's fluffy bullshit.

The whole gender thing is where I tend to recoil. To be completely honest, I don't like the transgender identity, but it's not hurting anyone nor does it effect me so I support it 100%. Even if it is a "mental illness" if transitioning cures that mental illness then encourage tans people to do just that and give them rights (but don't let kids start to transition until they're 18).
But I completely disagree with non binary, gender fluidity or any genderless/genderful identities. No way, you cannot be both or none. And I am not going to refer to anyone as "they/them." If you have a dick, you're a guy and if you have a vagina you're a girl, unless you're trans then you're the opposite. Gender is not a spectrum, it's male or female.
And if someone identifies as non binary, why on earth can't they just use the bathroom of their biological sex? Why does my school have to take space out of the library to convert to a gender neutral washroom when we have 5 pairs of gendered washrooms already?

"Bah humbug" - me as the rest of my school's student body rejoices in front of the gender neutral washrooms.

In addition, there's legal problems that arise from making gender "non binary." It just fucks up the system/society, and makes no evolutionary or biological sense.
There was a girl in one of my classes last year who identified as non-binary and had all the teachers refer to her as "they/them." If I was a teacher I would get really irritated really quickly. She looked like a girl, she dressed like a girl and she talked like a girl. Watching her correct poor substitute teachers to call her "they" was just plain irritating.

"Rich Bitch" Part 2

Why are all my friends poor? Well, the elementary school I went to is located between two neighbourhoods: one is filled with run down, cheap and ugly townhomes/apartments and the other is filled with middle class single family homes. I live in the middle class neighbourhood, my friends live in the poor neighbourhood. When I attended elementary it just so happened that my neighbourhood was full of retirees, my family was literally the only ones with a kid in the whole area. All the kids who attended my elementary school lived in the poor neighbourhood. This is where I met all my friends, and that's why they are all poor.
Now most of the retirees have either died or moved to a nursing/retirement home, so more families with kids have moved in to my neighbourhood. I lived here at the "wrong time" between generations. So my friends sort of grew up thinking I was rich, and I half believed that too when I was a kid because I was the wealthiest one out all my peers.
This strange economic situation was a big part of my upbringing. But my house isn't a "palace." It's a plain, 1950's red brick two story home that's been well taken care of but not super renovated. We don't have a pool, we can't afford to renovate the kitchen even though it REALLY needs it and we can't afford more than two $15,000 to $30,000 cars. My parents are also amazing with money. The reason we seem richer than we actually are is because we save, invest, save and save some more. We are all minimalists, I buy my clothes from thrift stores and my parents have owned the same clothes for my whole life. We don't really eat out that often, only on special occasions. We don't buy unnecessary gifts for Christmas or birthdays, only chocolate and one or two items that we really appreciate. We are a data free household too, our phone plans are like $10-$40 a month. We never really go shopping outside of the grocery store. It is my parent's way with money that allows us to make big purchases like my car, amazing vacations, a Great Dane, my apple products and my education. "Live within your means" - we live by this.
In short, we spend much, much less that we make. Hell, I have saved $4,000 in my savings account and I've never had a formal job in my life. My only job has been walking dogs and I've had it for just 4 months.
My friends, on the other hand, spend money like they are rich. They have unlimited data/text plans, they love clothes shopping at the mall and go all out for Christmas and birthdays. Their families spend all of what they make. They work all the time and spend all their money on shopping yet they struggle to pay rent... Neither my friends or their parents have any savings at all. All that spending and nothing to show for it.

It's a difference of higher salary and smart money habits vs low salary and bad money habits that makes me seem rich, if that makes sense.

"Rich Bitch"

I slept at my boyfriend's Friday night and at my best friend's Saturday night. I hadn't seen my best friend, Laurie, since Christmas. Mostly because she had been kicked out of her house and had a lot of other drama too. She also likes to work as many 12 hour shifts as possible. It's hard to get a hold of her sometimes.
Laurie and I have changed a lot. We sat across from each other at McDonald's and we didn't have much to say. She was texting people the entire time. Things aren't how they used to be, seems like now we have to be drunk and with a group of people to have the same fun as before. She just has so much drama in her life and it makes it hard to relate to her. I can name a million things she could be doing to improve her situation, (eg. be respectful to your parents, stop hanging out with drug addicts, break up with your low life boyfriend, stop skipping school) but I don't want to be that fucking annoying person.
We ended up picking up her coworkers, Georgia and Nelson, and hanging out with them. I don't like Georgia at all, she's a very selfish and toxic person in my opinion. But Laurie still tolerates her. Laurie starting telling Georgia and Nelson that I was "rich." She had been doing that lately in a lot fo situations and it's really fucking annoying. Before I can even say "hello" to any new person Laurie introduces me to she is blabbing on about me being some trust fund baby.
I am NOT rich, my family is pretty middle class. My parents make 6 figures, but we live COMFORTABLY not LUXURIOUSLY. Laurie makes it sound like I am the daughter of millionaires. Georgia believes her, and whenever she sees me she has to say something like "Not like Eulalie would understand, it's a broke bitch thing" then everyone laughs.
To put things in perspective, they believe I'm rich and it's hard to dispute because pretty much everyone I know is very poor. All of my friends and acquaintances come from families who struggle to make ends meet on the daily. Nobody else has a car, education fund, a detached house that their family OWNS, or even the same technology that I do. They all work retail jobs and have to help their parents pay rent. I am the wealthiest person they know personally. So it's hard to say "well, actually I'm not rich I'm middle class" because that makes them sound v e r y poor. It's like I can't defend myself because I do have nicer things than them. For example, we went for a drive and I drove past my house. Conversation went like this:
Laurie: "Isn't this a nice neighbourhood?"
Georgia: "Yeh"
Laurie: "Eulalie lives here haha"
Goargia: "You fucking rich ass bitch"
Me: "Nooo I'll drive past my house it's not that nice haha"
We roll on past it.
Georgia: "HAVE YOU SEEN THE SHIT I LIVE IN that's a fucking palace stop lying"
And I can't exactly say "no, that's a normal 2 story single family home" in that situation, you know? Because then everyone would roll their eyes at me. So now everyone who knows me through Laurie has this idea that my family is made of money, like BMW, mansion, Gucci kind of money. Their favourite thing to call me is "rich bitch." I hate it, to be honest. Not that coming from a wealthy family is anything to be ashamed about, but it's just untrue and the way Laurie explains it makes me seem like a charity asshole.

A relationship with an expiration date

I don't want to leave Adrian, I like being with him. But I don't want to leave my house or city either, and I'm still doing that in the name of starting adulthood. I know I need to call it quits, it would be terribly unfair to drag this on when it's not going to go anywhere.

He wants to meet a girl and get married and all... so it would be mighty selfish to hold him back from doing that. Which is basically what I'm doing.

I will admit I am scared to say it's over for fear that I will not meet anyone new to call on weekends and have sex with and all. What if I say goodbye, and ruin everything, just to be sitting alone horny with no one else? But he's not only the sex of course! He is the closest person in my life. I have no other friends or people who hold a candle to what Adrian and I have. What if we could be happy for longer? Adrian is the only person I've ever gotten so comfortable with so the idea of doing what we do together with someone else is, truthfully, terrifying. This relationship grew over 5 or 6 years, and now it's all over?

I have the option of continuing past the university start date because I will come home on holidays and some weekends. But it feels wrong to do so when I know I will want to have sex with other people. So, what I would essentially be doing is using Adrian until I find someone new - all on purpose. That's not right, is it? It's easy and comfortable, but not right.

I think this is a strange situation because of my lack of romantic feelings. Maybe if I felt romantic attraction I would be lovestruck and want to stay with Adrian even with the 3 hour distance (isn't that what teenagers in love do?). But since I don't feel romantic attraction everything is complicated and unconventional.

I have to bring this topic up in our conversation soon. Him and I have not talked about it. Even though we have talked about how crazy it is I am moving 3 hours away we deliberately and unanimously ignored that particular elephant in the room. I want to wait until we graduate high school, so we can be blissful for one last semester and have a magical prom night filled with lots of sex and alcohol. We can pretend that it will go on forever.
Then, after forever has ended, summer nights will be filled with speculation and deep conversations about our futures.

Sometimes I wish I could fast forward to lecture halls and medical school, and other times I wish time would stop in high school labs and Adrian's room.

Self proclaimed narcissist

One of the main reasons I left my old blog was because I became aware of how pretentious I sounded in some posts and it made me cringe.

When I was little I believed myself to be the smartest, fastest, prettiest and overall best kid in the whole school. These ideas were planted in my mind because I was spoiled and people would tell me I was these things. I always got the best grades, I always won games of tag and I was a very popular girl in elementary school. My life was perfect, the kind you see in commercials. A white, blonde girl with blue eyes, two loving and wealthy parents and all the opportunity in the world. I was the kid that all the other kids in the class compared themselves to and felt worse because of it. The antagonist in a high school drama.
The downfall was I became a spoiled brat. When I didn't get what I wanted, I would manipulate. I wouldn't throw tantrums, I would emotionally berate my mother and play petty games with my father. I would hide wallets, phones and car keys as ransom. And my parents did not discipline me, they didn't know how. This reenforced my mindset of believing I was a genius. They would cave in every single time. No consequences, no financial worries, amazing academic performance without even lifting a finger, treated as if the world revolved around me - I am surprised I am who I am today. I could have easily turned into much more of an asshole.

But my ego is still there, even though I'm mature enough to recognize it now. I have difficulty accepting criticism, when I get a lower grade than I feel I deserve I place the blame elsewhere. When my parents say no, my immediate emotional response is outrage. When my friends make decisions that I believe are wrong, I tend to think I'm much smarter than them.
And I KNOW I do these things, so now I try not to act on them. I try to recognize my faults instead of thinking I am perfect.

For example:
1)
Fault: I have a bad habit of assuming I'm the most intelligent person in the room.

Instead of thinking: Well, I probably am the smartest person here because [insert rationalizations].

Think: I have thoughts and feelings like everyone else in the room and we are all equal as people. All people have strengths and weaknesses and that doesn't make anyone better than anyone else.

2)
Instead of thinking: I am the most attractive both emotionally and physically out of all my friends.

Think: My friends are beautiful and wonderful people who deserve all the love in the world. Thinking you are the most attractive makes you unattractive.

Narcissism is such an ugly trait. Insecurity is also a bad trait, but it's much more accepted because it's got humble and innocent connotations. When someone says "she's very insecure" the response is "aw, poor girl" vs when someone says "she's very narcissistic" the response is "what an stuck up bitch." I don't want to be stuck up bitch, I want to be kind and warm. I am kind, but not always on the inside. I need to work on compassion and try to be a better person. I hope I see none of my pretentious bullshit on this blog, I am trying to keep it all kind and warm.

A life?

Sometimes, I daydream about what life might be if I stayed with Adrian. He wants a house and kids, the whole American dream, and he makes it loud and clear that he thinks I'm the perfect wife for this dream.

I disagree, but I don't go into the nitty gritty with him. I humour him perhaps more than I should.

I don't think he sees the bigger picture. He's so set on this perfect shiny life he has planned for us, but he doesn't see the hardships of it. For one, I want to make my career my life and I want to devote my 20's and 30's to becoming something like a surgeon. I don't want biological kids, if I do decide to have kids I will adopt ONE (1!) when I'm well past 30. I want to live in condos or small homes, and I'm not too interested in being someone's wife. I'm fine with long term dating or whatever makes me happy, I don't care too much. I don't have much of an extended family and they don't really get together anyway. We see each other every other Christmas but we are all sort of strangers. All my grandparents are long dead, and most of the fam is over 60. My parents had me late and they will probably die or be in a home by the time I'm 40. I have no siblings, or anyone related that will live much longer or keep in touch with me. Family has never been a big deal in my life, and therefore I don't care much to make room for it in my future. I want to have a lot of friends and people in my life, but having blood related ones is not important.

Adrian, on the other hand, is all about that perfect family, and husband and wife. He is a family guy, he loves his family and they are the type to get together for dinner and holidays and vacations to Disneyworld. He wants like 4 kids, boy and girls, and is totally against adopting or having just one. He wants his genes to live on, and his name. If I got married, I'd never give up my name! I WILL be Dr. [insert my current last name]. He wants a wife who will cook family dinners and be great at raising kids. I hate kids, I've never had to so much as hold a baby or have a conversation with anyone under 10 years old. I know, it's a typical teenager thing to say "I'd be horrible mother, I hate kids" but I'm not emphasizing that I'd be a terrible parent (I think I'd do alright), I'm saying I wouldn't be the
mom he pictures in his head. Adrian and I would have extremely different ideas about parenting.
Worth mentioning: his family doesn't hate me or anything, but they are not thrilled with me. I am quiet and weird, and have not made very good impressions... eg. I may be quiet at his grandmother's dinner table, but I am certainly not when I'm riding their son's dick intoxicated at 2am.

Adrian and I have such different priorities. I'd love to live a life with him and make him happy, but I recognize that eventually we would grow very tired of constant disagreements. He tries so hard to make compromises and get me as excited as he is about "our" future. He knows how much my education and career means to me, and says a million times over he will be a stay-at-home dad, cook, clean, do laundry and make me tea while I study all night. I say, where on earth would we get the money to raise kids while you are unemployed and I am in MEDICAL SCHOOL? We'd be so in debt it wouldn't be feasible. On top of that little pesky detail, he has dreams of his own to become a police officer, and I would never want to impede his dreams so I could pursue mine. His promises to cook, clean etc are empty, his family live in squalor and are very financially irresponsible. Adrian acts like if we get married, buy a house and start popping out children he will suddenly turn into a different person. I can see through that easily. He has fooled himself with this elaborate illusion.

We are 17 years old, for god's sake! He's going to meet so many more people (hopefully). And I am too, I mean I kind of want to have sex with more than one person in my lifetime! We have so many more things to experience. It's like he can't see that this is his first love, or doesn't believe literally everyone else that says your first love is usually not the last. I mean come on, is love really that blinding? He thinks this is it? This silly little high school jaunt with his best friend from middle school? I think one day he will look back on this and chuckle a little bit. Sometimes it's fun to daydream, but some dreams are better to remain as fantasies than reality.

High School Recap

I have one semester left. Looking back on my high school experience, I wouldn't have done anything different. I have loved loved loved everything about these four years, each one was better than the last.

It started in September 2015 - grade 9. I was nervous and exited. I chose to go to a completely different high school than all my friends because it had a self-paced, independent study program. Not sure why I chose to jump head first into a strange school where I didn't know anyone when there was a closer school with all my friends and peers attending, but I am so glad I did. I love the program. There is no due dates, test dates or any deadlines. You get to choose when to hand your shit in and write your tests. We also have better facilities and more high tech resources, and just a bunch of perks and quirks in general. Meanwhile my friend's school is miles behind in my opinion. They still use textbooks and hand in HANDWRITTEN assignments! If you tried to hand in some piece of paper with pencil at my school, the teacher might laugh at you. Everything is online, it's beautiful and I cherish it.
Anyway, in grade 9 I met lots of people, and guess what? I don't talk to anyone of them now. I was emo and into cringey shit, so I met a lot of other cringey little freshman. We sat in big loud groups in the cafeteria and we were really annoying. I believed there were more than 2 genders, and thought potato jokes were funny. I painted my room lime green and hung a "Love is Love" poster up even though I wasn't gay, I just though it was cool. I hardly even remember doing school work back then, it was all about hanging out and figuring out who we were. There were many immature good times. My friends and I would just wander aimlessly around neighbourhoods and malls, getting rides from our parents everywhere. I didn't care much about school, I hated gym class and science. I wore lots of dark makeup and spiky bracelets. My best friends were still the ones who went to the other school, though. They were Laurie, Crystal and Adrian.

Then, September 2016, 10th grade. 10th grade was a weird time, the giant group of cringey friends had lost a few members, then some more. By the end of grade 10 I had drifted away from pretty much all of them and many of them left our school for different reasons. I met an amazing teacher, who also left to teach at another school at the end of year. I'd say grade 10 was the most boring year. I don't remember much of it. At school I was really quiet and had a few panic attacks. I was diagnosed with anxiety. Of course I continued see Laurie, Crystal and Adrian pretty much 4 times a week outside of school and we made the best teenage memories ever. We started dabbling into our parents alcohol, just playing truth or dare and other dumb stuff. We though we were grownup and much more mature than grade 9's, but we weren't really. I began to learn to question things and figure out my own beliefs.

2017 I went into 11th grade. This year was tumultuous and felt like it went on forever. I grew so much that year and learned a lot about myself, my relationships and my plans for the future. Who I was in September was completely different than the person I became come June. I struggled with what I wanted to do with my life, and university became a monster looming over my head. I went through many phases and kept switching courses, dropping some and carrying over others. I did not talk to ANYONE at my school, I was a total lone wolf. But I liked that, and it helped me to overcome the debilitating anxiety that had taken over my life in 10th grade. All my friends went the other school and I saw them frequently. I started to drive, I got a car and my friends and I experienced a whole new kind of freedom. We begin to drink and party, and Adrian and I's relationship became sexual. Me and everyone around me seemed to be maturing at the speed of light. I raised a puppy and went to Las Vegas. My friends starting smoking weed, I found out I hated weed and it gave me panic attacks. By the end of grade 11 I suddenly decided I wanted to pursue science and medicine, and in the summer between grade 11 and 12 I finally found my focus and motivation to pursue my education: medical school.

Grade 12 began in 2018. Now with a full course load of science and math, I work 99% of the time. I drive everywhere, to school, to get groceries, to hang out with friends, etc. I get annoyed by loud groups of cringey grade 9's (who used to be me!). I come to school to work and learn, I have no friends at school and only ever talk to teachers (but I love it this way). I am a self directed student, focusing on my studies, university and future career. I am still quiet but I feel I have defeat my anxiety. I see my friend's way less, but we try to schedule time to do fun activities as often as our busy schedules permit. Adrian became my boyfriend. I love having sex and I love getting drunk with good company. I experienced taking a plan B pill and two pregnancy tests, and I almost threw up from drinking too much (figured out my alcohol threshold). My best friend is myself. I am inspired by my teachers, and excited for university. I found my true passion in biology, chemistry and math. I feel like I can taste adulthood, and know that this is just the appetizer. I am so so stressed and busy, but I love every second of it because I am living my dream and I see the rewards in every mark that I get. I am going to New York City for this year's vacation and very excited because I think I may want to live there one day. My friends and I do scheduled things like go out for dinner, go to dog parks with our dogs, celebrate holidays, attend events or just host parties. We don't have that aimless spontaneity of grade 9 and 10, we are too busy now.

So here we are, at the end. Now I am going to University September 2019 for a Bachelor of Forensic Science, three whole hours away from home. My friend Crystal is going to a two year college program for photography and film, and Adrian and Laurie are taking an extra year of high school. We started in the same place and ended up in very different ones. I feel nostalgic, like I want to do it all over again. I wish I was that little, cringey emo freshman with all the opportunity in the world and not enough maturity to see it. But soon enough I will be a freshman in Uni. Life moves so fast.

Feeling Good

I realized yesterday that I am doing amazing in terms of keeping up with my work.

You see, I fucked up my high school education completely and as a result had to fit both grade 11 and 12 into my grade 12 year.

This means that I am taking grade 11 advanced functions, biology and chemistry and grade 12 creative writing all in this one semester at the same time. On top of this I am dealing with applying to universities, which is almost a course in itself. It dawned on me that my course load is incredible and not something people usually have, because most people take a spare each semester and biology and chemistry in separate semesters (not at the same time).

So I'm feeling very proud of myself for having 90%'s in advanced functions and creative writing, and 80's in chemistry and biology. I have done so much work so fast I hardly had time to think and appreciate my accomplishments!

Next semester, my last of high school, I will have grade 12 chemistry, biology, advanced functions and a spare. I am so looking forward to that luxurious spare!

Stressy

I have so much I have to do by January 23rd (1 and half weeks!). I have 2 chemistry tests, 2 math tests, a huge biology project worth 10% of my whole grade, and 2 creative writing projects, one of them being worth 20% of my final grade.

On top of all that, I have to study for the biology, chemistry and math exams which begin the 24th and end the 29th.

Oh, and I have to walk dogs for 45min - hour a day and fit in my full G license test. I also made some social commitments, like helping my friend apply for college tomorrow morning, which I really don't have time for. I was given tickets to the philharmonic next weekend, which I am over the moon excited for, but again I'm stressed for time.

Considering I don't really have time for writing this, I will end this entry now. It was a nice break though.

My Friends

I always write about my boyfriend because if you strip away that label he is truly just my best friend. But I do have 2 other friends, who are girls. Even though our trio used to be close as could be we really drifted apart in the last two years. We still see each other often and enjoy doing things together but it's not like it used to be.

They have boyfriends too, but their relationships seem more real than Adrian and I's, maybe because they just met their boyfriends in the last 2 years and Adrian and I met when we were 12 (terrible age to make a good impression). My friend's relationships are swoozy and romantic, they send each other good morning/night texts and say things like "be safe!"
Adrian and I work more like friends... calling each other faggots and arguing like an old married couple.
Where my friend Laurie's boyfriend sends her "I love u baby", mine sends me pictures of hentai captioned "y cant u look like this?"
So sometimes I think my friend's look down on us. We don't seem to fit in. There's also the fact that I don't feel romantic attraction, which makes our relationship a little... alternative.

I love my friends, but I can tell we won't be friends much longer. I do want to keep in touch, though.

What's in a Name?

Since I like my anonymity, Eulalie is not my real name. My real name is a very common one, it's been on the "top ten baby names in America" list since the year 2000, I swear. And it's not that I don't like the name, but it's never felt right at all.

Is that weird? I have been referred to by it and conditioned to it for my entire existence, yet whenever my name is called it feels uncomfortable and awkward. When I write it on paper it just doesn't feel like me. And it's not just me but other people agree that my name does not suit me. My mother even admits to regretting the name she gave me (it was my father's suggestion and she caved).

So, ever since I found out that you could change your name, I have wanted to. But I wanted to wait until I grew into an adult to choose so that I wouldn't pick anything stupid (which was a good idea because I would have picked "Raven" or something equally awful in middle school). I know 17 isn't quite an adult age yet, but I'm pretty sure I've settled on Eulalie, pronounced yoo-lay-lee. I first fell in love with the name when I discovered the poem "Eulalie" by Edgar Allen Poe when I was 12.

I'm confident in this name because I've loved it for years, even when other name ideas came and went. It really feels right and I've never had a doubt about it. It's classic, beautiful and not just a name picked from a list on nameberry.com. I've decided that when University starts I will tell everyone that I wish to go by Eulalie instead of my legal name and see how that goes. Then, if all goes well and it sticks, I'll legally change it later.

English Studies vs Math and Science

I am good at arts and humanities, but talent does not aways equal passion. I don't like how greyscale these things are. I used to think I wanted to do art for my career, but that was quickly abandoned once I reached high school.

I feel bad because I used to be such an advocate for the arts, but I must say I don't think art is very important anymore. I don't get it either. Some artwork is amazing, like he work of tattoo artist Mr K and the hyperrealism of religious paintings, but most artwork I think is sort of stupid. This includes writings as well.

Trying to extract some sort of meaning from shapes and colours is just not very fruitful. "These blue tones make the painting feel cold and communicate the painter's emotions towards the war" - Really?? You cannot prove that, nor does it make much sense. Same with statements like: "Using words such as 'void' and symbols such as 'the raven' creates theme in the essay." These loosely interpreted things give me the most unsatisfactory of feelings! To me, art isn't about the message but about skill and talent. I know this is an unpopular opinion, but abstract art or art "for the message" is crappy and often lazy.

I think maths and sciences are much more valuable and important than arts. It is my opinion that math and sciences should be mandatory throughout high school - another opinion that is unpopular.

Self proclaimed narcissist

One of the main reasons I left my old blog was because I became aware of how pretentious I sounded in some posts and it made me cringe.

When I was little I believed myself to be the smartest, fastest, prettiest and overall best kid in the whole school. These ideas were planted in my mind because I was spoiled and people would tell me I was these things. I always got the best grades, I always won games of tag and I was a very popular girl in elementary school. My life was perfect, the kind you see in commercials. I was the kid that all the other kids in the class compared themselves to and felt worse because of it. The antagonist in a high school drama.
The downfall was I became a spoiled brat. When I didn't get what I wanted, I would manipulate. I wouldn't throw tantrums, I would emotionally berate my mother and play petty games with my father. I would hide wallets, phones and car keys as ransom. And my parents did not discipline me, they didn't know how. This reenforced my mindset of believing I was a genius. They would cave in every single time. No consequences, no financial worries, amazing academic performance without even lifting a finger, treated as if the world revolved around me - I am surprised I am who I am today. I could have easily turned into much more of an asshole.

But my ego is still there, even though I'm mature enough to recognize it now. I have difficulty accepting criticism, when I get a lower grade than I feel I deserve I place the blame elsewhere. When my parents say no, my immediate emotional response is outrage. When my friends make decisions that I believe are wrong, I tend to think I'm much smarter than them.
And I KNOW I do these things, so now I try not to act on them. I try to recognize my faults instead of thinking I am perfect.

For example:
1)
Fault: I have a bad habit of assuming I'm the most intelligent person in the room.

Instead of thinking: Well, I probably am the smartest person here because [insert rationalizations].

Think: I have thoughts and feelings like everyone else in the room and we are all equal as people. All people have strengths and weaknesses and that doesn't make anyone better than anyone else.

2)
Instead of thinking: I am the most attractive both emotionally and physically out of all my friends.

Think: My friends are beautiful and wonderful people who deserve all the love in the world. Thinking you are the most attractive makes you unattractive.

Narcissism is such an ugly trait. Insecurity is also a bad trait, but it's much more accepted because it's got humble and innocent connotations. When someone says "she's very insecure" the response is "aw, poor girl" vs when someone says "she's very narcissistic" the response is "what an stuck up bitch." I don't want to be stuck up bitch, I want to be kind and warm. I am kind, but not always on the inside. I need to work on compassion and try to be a better person. I hope I see none of my pretentious bullshit on this blog, I am trying to keep it all kind and warm.

Working Hard

I'm taking a brief break from studying to write. I've been studying really effectively recently, I'd say I only "waste" 3-5 hours a day (1 day = 12hrs). I am so incredibly thankful I get access to amazing technology throughout my education. I've heard of schools that prohibit or restrict technology, and to that I ask pressingly: How the fuck?

I am 100% paperless. I have 5 sheets of emergency paper and I never use them. I write all my notes, tests and assignments using some sort of device. All my school's media and study material is available online - no textbooks or paper hand outs. Here is a list of my wonderful devices:

  • MacBook Pro (13") for writing assignments, sometimes notes, and accessing school's website/handing things in.

  • iPad Pro (12.9") + Apple Pencil for writing notes using the app notability, and also accessing school website

  • iPhone XS for setting reminders, using study time tracker apps (like flora) and misc activities

Now the apps I use for school:

  • Quizlet: awesome for memorizing terms and diagrams
  • Khan Academy: Don't use all that much but watching the videos is a good way to remain productive while eating
  • Google Calendar: I keep ALL my shit on here, my due dates, test dates, any other dates, tasks, reminders, marks and anything else about my life that I need to organize
  • Flora: a nice study app that keeps me motivated
  • Notability: Where I hand write all my notes and tests
  • Pages: Where I write my assignments and typed notes

And there's some other ones like google drive, photos, chrome, outlook etc. but those are pretty basic.

I can't imagine how some school don't use tech. You literally can't learn at my school if you don't have a phone, and if you don't have a laptop you have to sign one out from the community laptops in the LC (LC = basically a library but computers replace the books). Also, all the incoming grade 9's get iPads that they can have and take anywhere for the whole year (my year didn't get this, I bought my own iPad) I believe the way my school works is a better future for education, because it's good for the environment and effective for students.

Sweet 18

It's 2019, which means I'm turning 18 in 3 mere months. I can't stop it, I can't shove the months back, they are like clouds and I am an airplane. Undeterred.

I don't want to! I feel like throwing a temper tantrum like a child. I remember last year I wrote the same thing in my blog about the year 17. I wish I could be 11 again. I wish Call Me Maybe had just been released and Minecraft was cool. I want my family's silver kia spectra back. I want to watch Smosh on YouTube and PewDiePie playing horror games. I wish I could experience my first slumber party again and that my friends and I were still walking sock foot on asphalt roads on pink summer evenings. Or sitting atop the cement box in front of the convenience store. I want it all back. It slipped away too quickly. Memories like dry grains of sand through my fingers.

I'd trade everything from 2018/19 for 2012/14 - the alcohol, the cars, the sex and the maturity. I love my life as it is right now, but it'll never be the same as those days. Even just for a day I wish I could go back.