A seventeen year old girl writing too much

3,510 words

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Feeling Good

I realized yesterday that I am doing amazing in terms of keeping up with my work.

You see, I fucked up my high school education completely and as a result had to fit both grade 11 and 12 into my grade 12 year.

This means that I am taking grade 11 advanced functions, biology and chemistry and grade 12 creative writing all in this one semester at the same time. On top of this I am dealing with applying to universities, which is almost a course in itself. It dawned on me that my course load is incredible and not something people usually have, because most people take a spare each semester and biology and chemistry in separate semesters (not at the same time).

So I'm feeling very proud of myself for having 90%'s in advanced functions and creative writing, and 80's in chemistry and biology. I have done so much work so fast I hardly had time to think and appreciate my accomplishments!

Nest semester, my last of high school, I will have grade 12 chemistry, biology, advanced functions and a spare. I am so looking forward to that luxurious spare!


I have so much I have to do by January 23rd (1 and half weeks!). I have 2 chemistry tests, 2 math tests, a huge biology project worth 10% of my whole grade, and 2 creative writing projects, one of them being worth 20% of my final grade.

On top of all that, I have to study for the biology, chemistry and math exams which begin the 24th and end the 29th.

Oh, and I have to walk dogs for 45min - hour a day and fit in my full G license test. I also made some social commitments, like helping my friend apply for college tomorrow morning, which I really don't have time for. I was given tickets to the philharmonic next weekend, which I am over the moon excited for, but again I'm stressed for time.

Considering I don't really have time for writing this, I will end this entry now. It was a nice break though.

My Friends

I always write about my boyfriend because if you strip away that label he is truly just my best friend. But I do have 2 other friends, who are girls. Even though our trio used to be close as could be we really drifted apart in the last two years. We still see each other often and enjoy doing things together but it's not like it used to be.

They have boyfriends too, but their relationships seem more real than Adrian and I's, maybe because they just met their boyfriends in the last 2 years and Adrian and I met when we were 12 (terrible age to make a good impression). My friend's relationships are swoozy and romantic, they send each other good morning/night texts and say things like "be safe!"
Adrian and I work more like friends... calling each other faggots and arguing like an old married couple.
Where my friend Laurie's boyfriend sends her "I love u baby", mine sends me pictures of hentai captioned "y cant u look like this?"
So sometimes I think my friend's look down on us. We don't seem to fit in. There's also the fact that I don't feel romantic attraction, which makes our relationship a little... alternative.

I love my friends, but I can tell we won't be friends much longer. I do want to keep in touch, though.

What's in a Name?

Since I like my anonymity, Eulalie is not my real name. My real name is a very common one, it's been on the "top ten baby names in America" list since the year 2000, I swear. And it's not that I don't like the name, but it's never felt right at all.

Is that weird? I have been referred to by it and conditioned to it for my entire existence, yet whenever my name is called it feels uncomfortable and awkward. When I write it on paper it just doesn't feel like me. And it's not just me but other people agree that my name does not suit me. My mother even admits to regretting the name she gave me (it was my father's suggestion and she caved).

So, ever since I found out that you could change your name, I have wanted to. But I wanted to wait until I grew into an adult to choose so that I wouldn't pick anything stupid (which was a good idea because I would have picked "Raven" or something equally awful in middle school). I know 17 isn't quite an adult age yet, but I'm pretty sure I've settled on Eulalie, pronounced yoo-lay-lee. I first fell in love with the name when I discovered the poem "Eulalie" by Edgar Allen Poe when I was 12.

I'm confident in this name because I've loved it for years, even when other name ideas came and went. It really feels right and I've never had a doubt about it. It's classic, beautiful and not just a name picked from a list on I've decided that when University starts I will tell everyone that I wish to go by Eulalie instead of my legal name and see how that goes. Then, if all goes well and it sticks, I'll legally change it later.

English Studies vs Math and Science

I am good at arts and humanities, but talent does not aways equal passion. I don't like how greyscale these things are. I used to think I wanted to do art for my career, but that was quickly abandoned once I reached high school.

I feel bad because I used to be such an advocate for the arts, but I must say I don't think art is very important anymore. I don't get it either. Some artwork is amazing, like he work of tattoo artist Mr K and the hyperrealism of religious paintings, but most artwork I think is sort of stupid. This includes writings as well.

Trying to extract some sort of meaning from shapes and colours is just not very fruitful. "These blue tones make the painting feel cold and communicate the painter's emotions towards the war" - Really?? You cannot prove that, nor does it make much sense. Same with statements like: "Using words such as 'void' and symbols such as 'the raven' creates theme in the essay." These loosely interpreted things give me the most unsatisfactory of feelings! To me, art isn't about the message but about skill and talent. I know this is an unpopular opinion, but abstract art or art "for the message" is crappy and often lazy.

I think maths and sciences are much more valuable and important than arts. It is my opinion that math and sciences should be mandatory throughout high school - another opinion that is unpopular.

Mind of a Over Achiever

Lately all I seem to be doing is studying and watching porn. I'll study for a couple hours, then get off for 30 minutes, then back to studying. Sprinkle a little bit of dog walking in there and that's been my life for the past 2 weeks.

I like to study though, because I like to learn new things and also I feel really terrible when I'm not studying (eg. watching youtube). Being unproductive makes me feel uncomfortable, like an itch in your brain that you can't scratch. I'm busy body. And a morning person.

I like to wake up before 8am and go to bed before 10pm. I try to study for at least 1 hour outside of school everyday. I drink at least 2 water bottles worth of water per day and walk dogs (which is my job) for 45 minutes - more on weekends. I also force myself to go out and do something social once a week, wether that be seeing my boyfriend for coffee or having a full blown party with my friends. When I'm not doing these things I use the rest of the day watching YouTube and relaxing.
If I don't do all these things I end up feeling really bad about it, and it's not enjoyable.

One time my mom asked me "don't you just want to lay in bed and do nothing sometimes?" and I said no - because honestly that sounds worse that doing all my daily tasks.

One thing I need to work on is eating, because my diet is terrible. I'm picky, you see, I only eat starches and meats and never vegetables. I eat McDonald's like 3 times a week. I'm a fast food junkie. When I do eat these crap things, my portions are minuscule. Somehow, I am still stick thin and manage to have slight abs. I've always been able to consume mass amounts of fats and calories without gaining a single pound, which is probably why I never developed healthy eating habits. But I love greasy, calorie-rich food way too much to care to change my diet at the moment.

Working Hard

I'm taking a brief break from studying to write. I've been studying really effectively recently, I'd say I only "waste" 3-5 hours a day (1 day = 12hrs). I am so incredibly thankful I get access to amazing technology throughout my education. I've heard of schools that prohibit or restrict technology, and to that I ask pressingly: How the fuck?

I am 100% paperless. I have 5 sheets of emergency paper and I never use them. I write all my notes, tests and assignments using some sort of device. All my school's media and study material is available online - no textbooks or paper hand outs. Here is a list of my wonderful devices:

  • MacBook Pro (13") for writing assignments, sometimes notes, and accessing school's website/handing things in.

  • iPad Pro (12.9") + Apple Pencil for writing notes using the app notability, and also accessing school website

  • iPhone XS for setting reminders, using study time tracker apps (like flora) and misc activities

Now the apps I use for school:

  • Quizlet: awesome for memorizing terms and diagrams
  • Khan Academy: Don't use all that much but watching the videos is a good way to remain productive while eating
  • Google Calendar: I keep ALL my shit on here, my due dates, test dates, any other dates, tasks, reminders, marks and anything else about my life that I need to organize
  • Flora: a nice study app that keeps me motivated
  • Notability: Where I hand write all my notes and tests
  • Pages: Where I write my assignments and typed notes

And there's some other ones like google drive, photos, chrome, outlook etc. but those are pretty basic.

I can't imagine how some school don't use tech. You literally can't learn at my school if you don't have a phone, and if you don't have a laptop you have to sign one out from the community laptops in the LC (LC = basically a library but computers replace the books). Also, all the incoming grade 9's get iPads that they can have and take anywhere for the whole year (my year didn't get this, I bought my own iPad) I believe the way my school works is a better future for education, because it's good for the environment and effective for students.

Deer and a Bear

I'm finding it difficult to study at the moment because I'm tempted to pick my phone up, drive to Adrian's and suck his dick. Not sure why I have this urge to do so, I don't even like sucking dick that much. I think it's just because I know for a fact he's not doing anything at the moment and I find it invigorating that I have the free will and power to decide to put his dick in my mouth and make him cum.

Don't get me wrong, I'm always submissive. In fact-although I'm ashamed to admit it because I think some people would be disgusted by it-I have a consensual non consent fetish. More bluntly: a rape fetish. It's not super hardcore though. I don't like CNC porn when the girl is held at gunpoint and screaming for help or anything, I like when you can tell they are roleplaying. If the girl doesn't cum and look like she's enjoying it in the end then it's not hot for me.

Adrian is not very good at being forceful. He tries because he knows I like being pushed around but he's really gentle by nature and very afraid of hurting me. He is good at pinning me down so that I cannot squirm out of it though, and I love that. Sometimes he even puts his hand over my mouth to quiet me and I find that really hot too. It doesn't take much effort for him to do so, I weigh 102lbs and he weighs upwards of 230. He's very tall and heavyset. I wouldn't say fat-but chubby. His hand can cover my entire face. We're like a deer and a bear. I like that he is so much bigger than me, I think that's my type. There's this couple on Pornhub that reminds me so much of Adrian and I (although Adrians dick is bigger haha) the username is 1thelma. I sort of want to upload anonymous amateur stuff to Pornhub... I'm turning 18 really soon. But I don't like solo stuff and Adrian doesn't turn 18 until the summer. I'm not sure if he'd want to anyway. But the thought of that excites me. I could be on Pornhub and nobody would even know!

Sweet 18

It's 2019, which means I'm turning 18 in 3 mere months. I can't stop it, I can't shove the months back, they are like clouds and I am an airplane. Undeterred.

I don't want to! I feel like throwing a temper tantrum like a child. I remember last year I wrote the same thing in my blog about the year 17. I wish I could be 11 again. I wish Call Me Maybe had just been released and Minecraft was cool. I want my family's silver kia spectra back. I want to watch Smosh on YouTube and PewDiePie playing horror games. I wish I could experience my first slumber party again and that my friends and I were still walking sock foot on asphalt roads on pink summer evenings. Or sitting atop the cement box in front of the convenience store. I want it all back. It slipped away too quickly. Memories like dry grains of sand through my fingers.

I'd trade everything from 2018/19 for 2012/14 - the alcohol, the cars, the sex and the maturity. I love my life as it is right now, but it'll never be the same as those days. Even just for a day I wish I could go back.


I'm really excited to go to university, learn and earn a bachelor of science, but I'm terrified of actually having to walk on that campus, kiss my car goodbye and be a freshman again. I wish I could turn on autopilot and take a year long nap inside my head until 2nd semester when I'll feel like I know what I'm doing. I just know I'm going to have a million panic attacks at first.

Not Pregnant

I never have people over at my house because my family are major introverts. It's just my mom, my dad and I. Yesterday I decided to invite my friends and their boyfriends over for a movie night. It was pretty fun, I cleaned the whole house and set up a home theatre. We watched The Room and Shrek 2.

I glanced over once and noticed my one friend's hand moving ever so slightly under the blanket. She was giving her boyfriend a hand job like 3 feet away from me and everyone else. Classy.

And something really great happened! Low and behold, as I was cleaning and hauling furniture around I felt a familiar ache in my lower back. I raced to the bathroom and was relieved to see blood in my underwear. I'm not pregnant! My boyfriend and I were really worried because a condom made a mysterious disappearance a while back (it's not hiding inside me, we found it in the morning). We were really drunk at the time.

When he arrived I pulled him aside and shared the good news. He was really relieved, but I could tell that deep inside he was kind of hoping I was pregnant. He wants kids so bad and he's afraid that he'll never get another chance, I can just tell. Not that I would have his children, I'd have an abortion for sure. He knows that, I've told him.

He'll have his big family one day, just not with me. No matter how hard he wishes for it.

New Years Eve Homework

All plans fell through for tonight. My boyfriend wasn't allowed to do anything fun and my friends were just feeble. So I'm spending my new years eve doing biology. I have a test on plants January 7th.

My new years resolution is simple: Get good grades.

So far I have a 90% average. My goal is a 92%.

I want to do great things. I can taste them. I can't wait to get back to school. I've been missing labs, especially chemistry ones. I got to dissect a rat this semester! I got it all to myself because the girls in my group were very squeamish. It was awesome. After that class I arrived home like a teenage boy who's just gotten laid for the first time. Ecstatic! I could still smell the formaldehyde on my fingers!


Why not start off bold this time?

I'm hoping to fuck my boyfriend, Adrian, tonight. But it might not happen because his family will be home so wether or not I can stay over is still up in the air. I stayed over 2 nights ago and did not make a good impression. We arrived very drunk and had very drunk sex in his basement (which is his room) and I'd be surprised if they didn't hear us.

I'll give you some parameters on Adrian and I's relationship:

  • We met in 7th grade when we were both 12
  • We have been inseparable best friends ever since
  • We starting a sexual relationship about two years ago when we were around 16
  • I finally caved and said yes to dating him 3 months ago
  • He wants to marry me
  • I want to break up with him eventually

I should mention I'm aromantic. I hate labels but that best describes my feelings. Imagine that there's a warm, fuzzy wire in everyone's brain that allows their romantic feelings to flow from their heart to their conscious. It feels as though someone has cut mine. I've never had a crush, felt butterflies or loved the way everyone describes love. And it's never bothered me either.
I find it so difficult to explain this, because everyone then assumes that I can't feel love. I do! I love Adrian, just not in the same way he loves me.

I do feel lust like everyone else does. Unfortunately, Adrian longs for love over lust. It's complicated. Sometimes I feel like I pretend love to get lust, and then he pretends lust to get love... If that makes sense.

New Beginning

Hello, my name is Eulalie. I am 17 years old and I live in Canada. I've had two blogs before and abandoned both when they got unenjoyable. I figured the new year is a good time to start again.

Now I'm not sure where to start... I have 3 friends, one of them is my boyfriend and also a very long story. I am in 12th grade and have been accepted into three universities so far for medical and forensic sciences. I love science and math. I want to go to medical school and become a forensic pathologist or a surgeon, but I'm keeping my mind open to anything else I might come across as well. My main passion and drive is education and medicine, everything else in my life I try my best to keep secondary.

One of my favourite things I own is a car. I love cars.

I like sex and alcohol, but only in the right situations. I don't like drugs, they make me too anxious. I have really bad anxiety and I hate that about myself. But it's gotten much better than it was before, I used to be a selective mute, and I also couldn't breathe most of the time and went to the emergency room once.

I am a spoiled suburban kid. Both my parents were always there growing up, and they're your typical amazing parents. I am an only child. I'd say this is what caused my "worst personality trait": narcissism. I'm making it a goal to work on that this year.

I am really lucky, I have everything and I love my life. I am healthy, happy and financially stable. I usually write about my opinions, experiences and existential crisis.

So, I guess here starts another blog.